'''Complete Psychological Topics''' Ben Huot February 24, 2010 == '''Table of Contents''' == Chapter 17 1.1 For More Information7 1.2 License7 1.3 Introduction7 1.3.1 Background of the Book7 1.3.2 Summary8 1.3.3 Experience of Schizophrenia8 1.3.4 Is My Situation Typical? 8 Chapter 29 2.1 Becoming a Soldier9 2.1.1 Non Exclusive Patriotism9 2.1.2 Letters from Basic Training10 Terms Defined10 11 Jul 9612 20 Jul 9613 28 Jul 9614 11 Aug 9614 19 Aug 9615 25 Aug 9616 1 Sep 9617 2.1.3 Military Poetry18 Memories of a Soldier18 The Dark18 Fear and Excitement19 Churches Numerous20 Safe and Sound20 The Recruiter20 Basic Training21 Advanced Training23 Permanent Duty Station24 Duality Poetry25 A Man, Nothing More25 Like a Peasant25 Like a Soldier26 Life’s Parallels27 Other Poetry27 Commitment and Freedom27 Desert Mist28 Reflections on Soldiering29 Total Isolation30 2.1.4 Considering Military Service? 31 Good Points31 Bad Points31 Recommend31 Specifics32 2.2 Transition32 2.2.1 College32 Going Home32 Community College33 Community College 2 33 University34 University 2 35 2.2.2 Journey35 Generations35 Clarity in Conviction, an Epic Poem36 Spirits Follow37 After All These Years38 The Forest39 2.3 Having Schizophrenia39 2.3.1 Introduction39 2.3.2 Breakdown40 Jesus Won Paranoid Episode40 Poetry41 My Breakdown41 Descent into Madness42 Schizophrenia42 Total Isolation44 Group Home45 2.3.3 Limitations45 Articles45 What is it like? 45 Thought Control46 Daily Activities46 Responses46 Schizophrenia46 Why Cows? 46 Discrimination of the Mentally Ill46 Personal Discrimination46 Son of Strength47 Poetry47 Frustration47 Naked Mind48 2.3.4 Religion49 Frustration49 FAQs49 Is there an effective treatment of Schizophrenia without medication? 49 Why is religion rejected by psychologists in their treating mental illness? 50 Can an atheist apply ideas from religion into their treatment? 50 2.3.5 Counseling50 The Appointment, an Epic Poem50 Waiting50 Preparation51 Hot and Cold51 Black and White52 Other Poetry 53 Taming the Mind53 Heaven and Earth54 My Experiences with the Mental Health Establishment54 Not a Good Day54 Typical Conversation54 Resolution55 Chapter 355 3.1 Personal Psychological Issues55 3.1.1 My Biggest Flaws55 Negative Effects55 Positive Effects56 3.1.2 How the Army Changed Me56 My Life Started Over56 Never Could Relax56 Results of Losing Wars56 The Gas Chamber56 Contemporary Use of Chemical Weapons56 Protection from Chemical Weapons56 Avoiding Chemical Weapons Use56 Military Legal System57 The Article 1557 Always on Call57 Pressures of an NCO57 Increased Confidence57 3.1.3 Why I Never Gave Up57 I am Complex57 I Did Fail57 I Identified with Philosophy57 Trying to Replace what I Lost58 My Relief58 I was Good at Something58 I was Doing Something Important58 Until the World Ends58 3.1.4 Ways in Which My Thinking is Chinese58 Cyclical View of Time58 Emotional Factors First58 Obsession with Self-Sufficiency59 Different Formal and Private Manners59 Importance of Writing and Written Culture59 3.1.5 Why So Rational? 59 Why The Need to Explain Things? 59 The Bible Doesn’t Need Apologetics59 Christianity Has Already Won60 Rationalism Has Improved my Situation60 3.2 Discover My Life Story60 3.2.1 Childhood60 3.2.2 High School60 3.2.3 Army61 3.2.4 College61 3.2.5 Schizophrenia61 3.3 Discover My Disability62 3.3.1 Background Information62 General Information62 Common Misunderstandings62 3.3.2 Dealing with the Illness62 Symptoms62 Treatment62 Medicine and Side Effects62 3.3.3 Living with the Situation63 Daily Life63 Unqualified Workers63 3.3.4 My Situation63 Paranoid Schizophrenia63 Behavioral Strategies63 3.4 Mental Illness63 3.4.1 The Schizophrenia Split63 Reality vs. Fantasy63 Like Apostle Paul64 Counseling Doesn’t Work64 Only Medicine Works64 3.4.2 Symptoms of Schizophrenia64 Types of Schizophrenia64 Variety of Symptoms64 Schizophrenia vs. Other Mental Illnesses64 3.4.3 Fear is Not Fun65 What is Paranoia? 65 Medicine Causes Constant Tiredness65 People Think “He is Totally Crazy” or “He has No Problems”65 3.4.4 Extreme Anxiety65 Related Symptoms65 Common Symptoms66 What Stresses Me Out66 Overcoming Anxiety66 3.4.5 Separate and Not Equal66 Not Treated as Equals66 Source of Problems66 Political Correctness66 We Want Equal Help66 3.5 General Psychological Issues67 3.5.1 The Corruption of Individuality67 Definition of Consumerism67 Consumerism = Sin = Addiction67 Not True Freedom67 How to Conquer Our Addictions67 Controlling Your Future67 3.5.2 Reasons to Relax67 Relaxing is Important67 Making Time to Relax68 Being Creative68 Dealing with Schizophrenia68 Making Good Decisions68 3.6 Me and My Writing68 3.6.1 Why So Serious? 68 Childhood Experiences68 The Military Experience68 College Experiences69 Experience with Mental Illness69 Experience Recovering69 The World Today69 3.6.2 My Style69 What is Unique About Me69 Clear and Concise70 Why Non-Fiction70 My Interest in Philosophy70 Managing Complexity70 3.6.3 Research Issues70 Why Spend So Much Time and Effort? 70 The Scope of My Research71 Frustrations with Web-Based Content71 Why I Didn’t Read in the Original Languages72 3.6.4 Artistic Approach72 Overview72 World Beliefs Illustrations Book72 Ethics and Discovery Illustrations Book73 3.7 Letters from Family73 3.7.1 Dated73 200073 200373 200474 200574 200674 200775 200875 200976 3.7.2 Undated76 Valentine’s Day76 Easter76 Birthday76 Mother’s Day77 Mom’s Birthday77 Halloween77 Christmas77 Thank Yous78 Chapter 478 4.1 Causes of Depression78 4.1.1 Schizophrenia78 4.1.2 Determining the Cause78 4.1.3 Stress78 4.1.4 Keeping Balance79 4.2 Solving Thinking Problems79 4.2.1 Accepting Your Limitations79 4.2.2 Self Reflection79 4.2.3 Compartmentalization80 4.3 Work Issues80 4.3.1 Keeping Busy80 4.3.2 New Skills and Major Changes80 4.4 Dealing with Others81 4.4.1 Get Out Daily81 4.4.2 Over Stimulation81 4.4.3 Social Challenges82 4.5 Rest and Recovery82 4.5.1 Getting Enough Sleep82 4.5.2 Relaxation82 4.5.3 Contact with Animals83= Chapter 1 = '''First Things''' by Ben Huot == 1.1 For More Information == For more books and information, visit me on the web at http://benjamin-newton.com/ Feel free to send me e-mail regarding the books and website at mailto:ben@benjamin-newton.com I even enjoy constructive criticism == 1.2 License == This entire PDF is licensed together under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License as a whole, and nothing is to be separated, added on to, or modified in any manner. Clarification on what no derivatives means: No changes may be made in any way including but not limited to: the material content and design must be copied as a whole (everything contained in this pdf file) •with nothing added •without anything taken away must be kept in its original form with no additions or subtractions to •file formats •HTML and CSS code •PDF files •graphics and movies •sounds, music, and spoken word •interactivity and flash •file and directory structure •filenames and directory names •links •distribution method == 1.3 Introduction == === 1.3.1 Background of the Book === This book provides psychological information I have learned in dealing with the unique stresses and challenges of: being a soldier, later as a person with Schizophrenia (for 10 years after my diagnosis), and all along as a highly sensitive and intelligent individual. What makes it original is my: research, experiences, my personality, my family, and where I grew up. I grew up in a working class town, next to a college town, in one of the safest and most beautiful part of America, that no one has heard of. I planned on becoming an International Businessman. Things changed a lot, after I joined the military and I became very serious and also became mentally ill. I decided to study Asian religion, literature, philosophy, history, and art for the next 11.5 years and wrote a number of books, in the process. I am: a disabled veteran, a person with Schizophrenia, a Christian, a scholar, a philosopher, a poet, a mystic, a student of history, a futurist, an artist, and a designer. I am: very intelligent, very serious, very creative, highly sensitive, a fiscal liberal (politically), a very good writer, very direct, very clear and concise, and very independent. I am most influenced by: Soren Kierkegaard, the Apostle Paul, the Prophets of the Bible, Chuang Tzu, and the global and historical church, especially in Asia and Africa. I am very close to my nuclear family and they have been essential in helping my become who I am today. I enjoy studying about different cultures and different ideas. I enjoy nature and animals. I am very concerned with the direction the world is headed. I think the most major problems today are: the global climate change, running out of resources (not just oil), general lack of interest in education, laziness, and ignorance about everything. Worst of all, neither the people or the government seems to take any of these issues seriously. My entire writings are based on paradox – the most important of is what the average person needs to change about themselves and what I and people like me need to change about ourselves. === 1.3.2 Summary === This collection, Complete Psychological Topics, contains most of my writings on the topic of psychology, including: my experiences in the military, my mental illness, and other psychological topics. This book contains Disabled Veteran and the Book of Psychology. === 1.3.3 Experience of Schizophrenia === Many people may wonder why I write about Schizophrenia and what I have to offer that a psychiatrist does not bring to the table. It is true that I am not an expert in Schizophrenia and if you want to learn about this disease, I am definitely not the only source you should consult. What I do bring to the table which is very unusual is my ability to write well, my intelligence, and my experience dealing with Schizophrenia. The problem with an expert in Schizophrenia, like a psychiatrist that specializes in mental illness, is that they are an expert in theory, but have never directly experienced what they have learned about. Certain things are hard to understand by research alone. Just like people who study the military, but have never been a service member, will never really understand what the military is all about, so a psychiatrist, no matter what their training, is no match to one who suffers with a mental illness. A good example of the difference between what I offer in my writings and what a psychiatrist might bring is to compare a research paper on the Gospels compared to the writings of the Apostle Paul. God could have made the Bible very short and simple and explained everything very analytically, so that everything was explained, that people debate about, and have everything wrap up very neatly. But the Bible actually brings up all sorts of things, that are not easily explained and opens up a can of worms, which theologians have been trying to put into a neat package for centuries, but has eluded everyone. The Bible is written by people, who actually experienced God, in difficult lives. Paul was not just a religious scholar, but was a missionary and suffered all sorts of imprisonments and opposition. He got into the very difficult situations, where he risked his life and reputation, for what he believed. He was not in a comfortable room and imagining solutions to theological problems, but rather suffered for what he believed. This is the reason why people care about what he wrote many centuries later. === 1.3.4 Is My Situation Typical? === Most people who have Schizophrenia fall into 3 groups: 1/3 of people with Schizophrenia stare at the wall all day, 1/3 live their lives in various levels of assisted living, and the final 1/3 live mostly independently. We call this last group high functioning and I am at the very extreme of this category. So, no, my situation is not typical. In fact, the last time I visited my latest psychiatrist, from the VA, he questioned whether or not I fit so neatly into the Paranoid Schizophrenia label, even though that is what my symptom show, because I am doing unbelievably well, for having this mental illness. He said that people with Paranoid Schizophrenia go back to the hospital, after they are diagnosed, because they have relapses (which I have had none) and don’t achieve results, like self-publishing books. Philosophy, along with other types of abstract thought, are considered not possible to be understood, by people with Schizophrenia. On the other hand, what I have done becomes more possible, if you are able to be in a situation where: you are very intelligent and creative, highly motivated, you keep taking your medicine, your medicine is effective (especially with the newer medicines – ones developed after 1990), you get on government services right away, you have good family support, and you have not taken drugs, abused alcohol, or committed crimes (anytime in your life). The most important thing you can do is to take your medicine, as it is prescribed. If you cannot do that, than the other things are not going to matter. One of the side effects of the disease is that it is almost impossible, to work full time or in stressful job, so family support and government and community run services are necessary, to be able to afford, to live inside, off the streets. One of the most important things your family can do for you is to fill out the required paperwork, for you to get the various government and community run services, that are necessary to live in a good situation, with Schizophrenia. If you do not want to be locked up, the best way to insure this won’t happen is to not commit crimes. There is no cure for Schizophrenia and the medicines never take away all the symptoms. For the remaining problems, behavioral strategies are often the best, as well as controlling your inputs (TV, Internet, book usage). Religion can be an important part of these kind of strategies. You can also benefit from counseling. But remember that these are all secondary treatments, to be done, in addition to taking the medicine. There is no way to treat Schizophrenia with any kind of traditional medicine and we will likely be able to travel through time and to other earth like planets, before we can find a cure, for Schizophrenia. The biggest side effects of the medicines, used to treat people with Schizophrenia, are lack of energy and weight gain. These are some of the hardest things to deal with, as a person with Schizophrenia. The lack of energy makes it hard, to get out and do things and the weight gain makes everything harder and increases the chances of: heart disease, diabetes, and other related health problems. = Chapter 2 = '''Disabled Veteran''' by Ben Huot == 2.1 Becoming a Soldier == === 2.1.1 Non Exclusive Patriotism === I voluntarily served my country and am permanently disabled because of my service. This is why I am receiving funds from the Veterans Administration. I am a disabled veteran. I served my country, because it is a beautiful country and it is my country. Many people see America as being on offshoot of England and based on the Enlightenment and that our closest allies are England and France. They see American history and culture as that of rich white men, as taught in history books and the mass media, that is accepted by the mainstream of opinion leaders. The mass media, called popular culture, is all over the world and is developed by a couple of rich white men, who don’t even pay taxes in the United States. These multinational corporations have nothing to do with America. I see America as reflected, by the people who live here, currently and I see America as an immigrant nation, except for the Native Americans. The only thing that is exclusively American is Native American culture. When I study about the culture of historic and ancient Asia, this is as American as studying about the the American Revolution, the American Civil War, or World War II. I think that people, who got into America legally, from any other nation and follow the laws are just as much American as people who came over on the Mayflower who follow the laws. Not just those who sell out their culture for popular culture, but keeping their customs, from the countries they came from are just as American. The really unique thing about America as I have, come to realize, after my service in the military is that we have a goal of toleration for people of different backgrounds and especially of other religions. That is one of the major things I seek to further, in my writings and artwork. This is often referred to as multiculturalism. I don’t see why we need to put up artificial boundaries between us and other countries around the world. We can be seen as doing the right thing, as well as they can be, even if we order our society in different ways, or that they may appear farther ahead than us in some areas doesn’t make us less of a nation. We don’t need to think of ourselves, as the best nation on earth. We are one, among a number of great nations, and we don’t need to be culturally exclusive to prove it. === 2.1.2 Letters from Basic Training === ==== Terms Defined ==== '''Air Assault''': school where you learn to repel out of helicopters as a way of delivering soldiers into combat. It is like Airborne but with helicopters instead of airplanes. '''AIT - Advanced Individual Training'''. This is the training in your job you signed up for when you joined the Army. You often go to another base right after graduating Basic Training and the training can be anytime from 4 weeks to a year, depending on the job. You get more and more freedom as time passes and you pass tests successfully. Drill Sergeants are here as well. '''Article 15''': You can get an Article 15 for almost anything from having food in your locker, smoking, or violating almost any minor rule. You can get them for just not doing something correctly too many times. The punishment is that you are fined about $150 out of your $600 for the whole month and you have to do 2 hours extra duty every day for 2 weeks. Meaning, you will only get a maximum of 5 hours sleep a night. '''Basic Training''': This is the initial training in the Army which trains you to be an infantry soldier. Every soldier must complete this training first, as we are considered first and foremost infantry soldiers and the Army wants the option of using any soldier in the infantry, if they feel they need to. There are 3 things you need to do to graduate: go through the gas chamber (unless you are on KP that day), qualify at BRM, and throw a live grenade. Basic Training is almost exactly 8 weeks long. '''Battle Buddy''': another soldier in training you are assigned to to work with for the entire training. It can also refer to any one in your platoon. '''Bivouac''': Army version of camping '''Bolo''': when you don’t qualify at the BRM qualifications the first time. '''BRM - Basic Rifle Marksmanship.''' You learn to shoot your M-16, also referred to as rifle or weapon, but never as a gun. The point of the rifle is to be very accurate a kill someone with just one bullet. This rifle didn’t even have fully automatic mode with the model we were using. This training lasts about 2 weeks. You qualify at the end by shooting enough targets that are silhouettes of other soldiers and they are up for only 3 seconds and they pop up and down at one of 3 different lengths away - one is at 50 meters, one is at 200 meters, and the other one is at 300 meters. You have to shoot in a foxhole and laying on your stomach (in the '''prone''') '''Cadence''': singing while marching, The songs follow at the same time as you move your feet. '''Chow Hall''': where you eat '''Claymore Mine''': This is a directional mine that shoots out shrapnel when activated. It has to be unpacked and set up. You test it first, to make sure it is not defective. It is used to protect foxholes from attack. The shrapnel should all go forward towards the enemy if you point it in the correct direction. '''CO - Commanding Officer: '''this is generally the officer (a Captain in rank) at the head of your company. He or she signs off on most paperwork as is the one ultimately responsible for anything anyone does in their unit. '''Counseling Session''': If you are not doing something correctly, then the Drill Sergeant gives you a counseling session which can be deducted from your sleep time. They tell you what you did wrong and often give you extra time to practice it which is taken out of sleep or free time. You can get these for not shining your boots properly, not ironing your clothes properly, or not marching properly. If you get more than a few of these, you get an Article 15. '''Cycle''': this refers to the particular interval in which you have completed Basic Training. '''Drill Cadet''': a cadet is an officer in training, but these ones were called Drill Cadets because they were working with the Drill Sergeants '''DS - Drill Sergeant'''. The basic unit during Basic Training is the '''platoon''' and it is headed by 2 to 3 Staff Sergeant or Sergeant First Classes in rank and will be a mixed combination of races and genders. They are each a Non-Commissioned Officer which you have to follow every command they give. You finish every thing you say to a Drill Sergeant with '''Drill Sergeant'''. If you don’t, then you are "'''dropped'''" and required to do 20 push-ups and this number increases as you progress through Basic Training. '''E-3, E-4, etc'''. This is the pay grade of an enlisted soldier and is used to identify what rank someone is no matter what the name for the rank across different services. You start out between an E-1 (Private) to an E-4 (Specialist), depending on how much college you have or how many people you have got to enlist. '''Fighting Position:''' this can refer to a foxhole or another type of protected fighting position. '''Fireguard''': Every one does a shift of watching for fire, so there is someone watching the entire time everyone is a asleep. You do this as in every thing else in groups of two. '''Formation''': when your entire unit is standing out in line '''Fragmentation Grenade''': This is what most people refer to as a grenade - it shoots out shrapnel, a few seconds after you pull the pin. It has a very high angle of fire, so you are generally safe if you are laying down or in your foxhole. '''FTX - Field Training Exercises ''': where you train for combat with all the equipment and in simulated battle by role-playing. It is the equivalent of a dress rehearsal for combat. '''Gas Chamber''': This is a small cabin you are taken into about half way through Basic Training. A stick of slowly releasing gas called CS which is from 10-100 times stronger than tear gas is placed inside. The Drill Sergeants are standing in there in full protective gear (MOPP4). You go in with your mask on, take it off and stand there. There are Drill Sergeants blocking both the doors on the outside. If you say anything or try to leave early, you are thrown back in for a longer period of time. You will start BRM shortly afterwards. '''Go/No-Go''': you either pass most tests in the Army and get a "go" or you fail and get a "no-go" '''Hurry up and Wait''': tendency of military to get you all ready for something a long time before they are ready to use you '''KP''' - '''Kitchen Patrol''': You get assigned KP every so many days. When you get this job, you go with another member of your platoon, you wake up before everyone else, and go in and help the cooks who are all civilians all day long. The Drill Sergeants smoke you if anyone does something wrong. You should be woken up by the fire guards. '''Leave:''' time off from the military '''LES - Leave and Earnings Statement''': this is your paycheck and it also tells how much vacation you have accumulated. '''Low Crawl and High Crawl''': The low crawl is where you lay flat on your stomach and push forward with your helmet and your arm. The high crawl is where you crawl on your knees and elbows. The point of keeping low is that we are trained to hit and kill a soldier in 3-5 seconds of even seeing their helmet. It is no secret that American soldiers are poorer shots than most our enemies. So if we can hit them in that time, they definitely can hit us. The only way to protect against machine gun fire is by being as low as possible. '''Montgomery GI Bill''': a law passed by congress where you get money for college after serving in the military '''Manual of Arms''': This is where you learn to march with the rifle in ceremony and to move it safely while loaded in formation '''MOS - Military Occupational Specialty.''' This is the job you signed up for when you first go to your regional MEPS. You are guaranteed this job as long as you pass the school. Since you get your first choice of available jobs, if and when you fail the school, the Army re-assigns you to their first choice, which is usually something in the combat arms like Tanker or Air Defense Artillery. '''MREs - Meals Ready to Eat''': pre-packaged and partially de-hydrated meals that don’t have to be cooked by cooks, but taste better, and are more expensive. '''NBC - Nuclear Biological and Chemical''': You wear a protective suit and a protective mask to protect you from poisonous chemical gases, nuclear radiation, and biological germ attack. It is called a pro mask or protective mask and never gas mask, because a gas mask would give you gas, not protect from it. '''Personal Hygiene''': brushing teeth, shaving, showering, etc. '''Phases''': You go through Red Phase, Blue Phase, and White Phases in the Army Basic Training. As you complete a phase, you get more privileges and you move up phases by passing your PT tests and learning basic combat survival skills. '''Protestant: other''' - This is what was printed on my dog tags. The Army has several major groupings for religion - Protestant and Catholic, so there are always a Protestant minister and a Catholic priest for each unit. There might be others as well, but these were the only I knew of. '''PT - Physical Training'''. Exercise. PT tests involve a 2-mile run, followed by 2 minutes of sit-ups, and 2 minutes of push-ups. You have to meet a certain standard or you have to do extra PT and can get other penalties as well. '''PX - Post Exchange'''. This is like a drug store or other general store without groceries. These are stores on Army bases. You have to be in the military to go to them. '''Range''': where you practice shooting your rifle or other weapon '''Ranger School''': elite training where you learn how to take command posts in front of the regular Army. It is very difficult but not as advanced as the Green Berets. '''Reception Battalion''': This is where you arrive first after you leave the regional MEPS you were shipped from. This is your first experience in the Army. I was there for 11 days. You are usually only there for 3 days. You get issued your first gear here, you are taught how to do basic marching, and do basic processing like getting ID cards. '''Riot Grenade''': grenade filled with CS tear gas '''ROTC - Reserve Officer Training Corps''': This is a program where the military pays for college and you train in the summers and at the end, you serve as an officer, usually for 6 years. '''Smart Books - Soldiers Manual'''. This is a very thick but small book that is camouflage covered and tells you everything that you will learn during Basic Training. '''Smoked''' - This is generally done as an entire platoon. When the Drill Sergeant is unhappy with the performance of one or more of your platoon, you are made to do push-ups as well as any other exercises for as long as they want. The most strenuous one is getting up at attention and down into the push-ups position and back and forth really fast. One of the other platoons in our company were always smoked with their entire MOPP4 gear on (rubber chemical suits). '''Sound Off '''- You have to yell out loud your rank, last name, and social security number followed by Drill Sergeant in order to get served food. '''SPORTS''' - an anachronism for how to clear a rifle if the bullet gets jammed into the rifle and you cannot fire it. '''UCMJ - Uniform Code of Military Justice'''. These are the laws you are under as a member of the military. Whenever you get in trouble, you get the civilian penalty plus the military one which is usually much worse. For not obeying one order, you can be sentenced to one year in a military prison after which you will get a dishonorable discharge, which disqualifies you for any type of assistance from the Veterans Administration or any other benefit veterans get. You can also be sentenced to death for rape, and receive prison time for adultery. '''Weapons Ready''': marching while you are holding your rifle in your hand with your finger on the trigger, ready to shoot '''Zeroing'''. This is the process of firing at a target and then adjusting your rifle sights, so that everything lines up correctly. This is why you are assigned a different rifle for each person. ==== 11 Jul 96 ==== Dear Mom and Dad, I have just finished my first day of Basic Training and it is not fun in any sense. I am writing this letter during fireguard - I got the best shift (9-11pm). I have to have it in by 04:35 hours tomorrow morning. Reception Battalion was boring but this is a nightmare. Once I get through the Red Phase - the first 2 weeks - my platoon will move on to Basic Rifle Marksmanship and I won’t be so stressed (maybe). The main part of our training is on marching, Physical Training, and lectures. I was called a "smart ass" for some unknown reason - I think I was misunderstood but I should have thought quicker so that I didn’t slip up even the slightest bit that I did. I am "Protestant: other" because the Army doesn’t know anything about any kind of Quakers. My head has been throbbing ever since the Drill Sergeant started getting annoyed, because people didn’t speak up at the right instance when they had a problem. I can kind of empathize with how the Drill Sergeants must feel about us, when we are so stressed out we become paralyzed to reason about little things, but it is hard to focus when you get so little sleep (9 pm to 3:45 am minus - usually - a 2 hour watch) and you can be dropped for push-ups if the Drill Sergeant thinks your question is dumb. The training I can stand the significance of even from my warped perspective. In order for us to win wars in the Information Age, all 250 MOS’s must perform their duties perfectly accurate in instantaneous speeds and be able to work together as a team to win because there is no second place in war. They want us to work harder than we ever had before so that we can develop a work ethic. They want to be in our face enough to unite the platoon into one cohesive unit. I am so glad I am not E-3 or E-4, because I think someone would have to be supernatural to lead others right on track, while not slipping up themselves. The privates are all very different from each other, but there is already a strong brotherhood forming - and that is what will build the momentum to carry us on through the next 8 weeks. There are only 55 days to go and counting, which is several eternities, when you can barely plan ahead enough for the next day, if you’re lucky. We did some push-ups already for not making our beds quick enough, but it hurt much more to think that maybe I was holding up the platoon than the pain of the physical exercise. Being embarrassed in front of your buddies is an effective motivator, because you have to fall back on your buddies, when you cannot carry on some other time, and you want to make sure you’ll be ready to catch them when they fall, and how can you, when you can’t even keep your own self in order. Most punishments involve the whole group, but this develops teamwork, not persecution, as you might expect. I found some Bible verses that were helpful to me: 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, Galatians 6:9-10, and Psalm 90. I was concerned that my Reception Platoon would make Basic a living Hell, but they got split up and no one would dare to screw off even though the DS can only punish you with physical exercise. Our platoon must have finished dinner in 10-15 minutes (including the time we stood in line) because you cannot even lift your head while eating let alone talk. No one messes around with the women or the weapons, because you can be fined hundreds of dollars for carrying one round off range by accident, or by saying one word a female might choose to use against you. I can get up to one year in prison and thousands of dollars in fines and a dishonorable discharge for not following any order, no matter how inconsequential, under the Uniform Code of Military Justice. I hope I don’t ever make one wrong step in line, forget 1 item of gear, or misunderstand any one word the DS says or s/he will "smoke" my whole platoon. I’ve been having a little trouble with my allergies, but I don’t want to get an Article 15 for having non-prescription drugs in my possession. Please pray for me. I am continually tempted to try to get kicked out, but I am going to follow the DS’s advice and follow through my decision like a man, because although I made a good choice, my choice now calls me to a higher standard of everything. The "Hurry Up and Wait" system of the military program is very distracting and disturbing, but you would be surprised at how careful soldiers are monitored for and how well they prevent needless red tape. I found out that one soldier was a so stressed that he had to throw up and I felt better. You wouldn’t believe how little time we have to keep clean shaven, sanitize ourselves, get into correct uniform (incl. polishing our boots), keep our barracks and latrine in immaculate cleanliness, read our "Smart Books" and keep remembering everything the DS tells us about even once - in such a way that if you ask him to repeat it, he won’t believe that you can’t remember his assignment/lesson. I haver already memorized my General Orders and Rank Insignia. I feel like I am hallucinating often on watch. Once I woke up sure that the DS was screaming in our faces and soon learned that no one was up and that the DS wasn’t even there. The Bible luckily is always the only acceptable reading material besides our "Smart Books." I hope we can keep the DS from raising his voice for most of tomorrow. The first time they "smoke" us will be the worst and I am sure it will be soon. Push-ups are really one of the hardest physical exercises. I’m glad I stuck to the list I was given to pack for Basic verbatim because I just barely got by doing push-ups for it (as it was I had to buy quite a few items at the Reception Battalion PX, to complete the official list of required items. We finished our showers a few minutes late - 64 people through 6 showers in less than 20 minutes - but the DS did not get up to check on us, so we didn’t get smoked. We are getting plenty early tomorrow, so we will have a reasonable chance to not louse up for a while. I can barely fight off the sleepy headedness as my shift comes to close. Hopefully I will be able to fall asleep soon. 3:45 am comes around to early. Please write soon. Your Son, Benjamin ==== 20 Jul 96 ==== Dear Parents, There is so much to say and I don’t know where to start so I’ll just start in the middle. My first letter was fairly morbid, but I have relaxed manifold since then. My Drill Instructors are fair and reasonable for the most part for their kind, but one of them is being replaced in a few days and he (the replacement) is much stricter (but this will help me on my PT test and help my platoon pull together more). I have already past my 2-mile run and 2-minutes sit-ups test with scores of 71% (14.44) and 55% (47) - you need 50% to pass (60% for airborne). I was only able to score 38% with 20 pushups, but they make you go much lower than I practiced for, and within a two minute limit and I used a mat, which I had to keep my arms in, so I had to go down farther. Next time I won’t use the mat, so I can spread out my arms farther and now that I know how far to go down I will waste less energy, so I should be able to do more. If I just do a few more, I will qualify for the phase change so I will get more privileges and will get shouted at less. We have already done Bayonet Training, Marching Practice, Manual of Arms (marching with rifles), Basic Rifle Orientation, lectures on the UCMJ (laws), Personal Hygiene, Sexual Harassment/Equal Opportunity, HIV/AIDS, Sabotage and Subversion, Code of Conduct, Military Customs and Courtesies, Fire Guard, and Kitchen Patrol. We have been issued most of our gear and learned most of the marching formations and maneuvers. I have memorized my Chain of Command, Phonetic Alphabet, Ranks and Insignia, and General Orders. I attended the Protestant Church Service the last couple Sundays. The service was very refreshing and I was encouraged to hear other soldiers who were excited about Christianity - their testimonies helped me relax. I was also good for my heart to hear some music. I decided I would try to be a Chaplain’s Assistant, if my job with computers doesn’t work out for me for some reason. I might be able to be a Chaplain in the Army Reserves, after I graduate from college, if I can get registered as a minister, with the Friends Church even though I won’t get a religious major. That way, I start out as a Captain, instead of a 2nd Lieutenant and I would like to work with soldiers through their spiritual problems - I like their attitudes. We had several locker inspections so far, but I wasn’t checked because I had KP one time and the other we were randomly checked and I wasn’t selected, but my locker would pass any check anytime. Hospital corners and locker organization are not hard if you are a perfectionist and take the time to check and re-check until it is perfect. I am slow on some of my marching maneuvers and my manual of arms, but I am the best by far in memorization. I feel like I never get quite enough sleep (about 7 1/2 hours), but the PT, although intense, doesn’t require an unreasonable amount of effort, and even when we get smoked, although we are in pain at the time, we usually feel better after having done it. Just today, I got angry at someone, but I feel justified for having felt that way. While I was walking across the Chow Hall to clean my tray, I overheard a Drill Sergeant ridiculing a female private, for being too heavy and threatened to smoke her until he broke her and she would stop eating so much. I glared at him for a while, stunned, and had to exert an extreme amount of effort to keep from beating the living crud out of him. Definitely an injustice, but the private was being a glutton and had volunteered for serving the Army knowing it would entail those kinds of things. Later on, I found out that Army regulations require commanders to promote a specified percentage of white female, black female, other female, white male, black male, and other male soldiers from each category, even if some of the candidates aren’t as qualified as the ones s/he wanted to promote. This is the end of my 10th day, I have 46 more to do, but they keep on going faster each day. My battalion graduates on the 4th of September. I ship off to my advanced training on the 5th. My advanced training starts on the 13th. I get 2.5 days leave a month which I can save up to 60 days worth of. Please write if you have time. I have to take a shower and shine my boots now. Luckily our HIV/AIDS presentation didn’t spark many questions, so we finished early and so I had time to write this letter to you. Don’t expect telephone calls - I only have between 8 and 11:30 am EST on Sundays to call - the lines are 3 hours long and I go to church, clean my boots, and do my wash, during that time. Your Son, Benjamin P.S. I will be purchasing pictures with my uniform on (with all the badges), a Cycle Book (memory book) and a video of the highlights of Basic Training, so you can see what I did. I found out that Victory Towers is on the 24th of July (that’s a cool high ropes obstacle confidence course) and the Gas Chamber is on August 1st (which is not fun, but will at least clear my sinuses). So far, I have managed not to go on sick call once, even when I didn’t feel very good. We haven’t had to do push-ups for mail yet, but I don’t know if we will be able to eat cookies without PT to burn the calories off. ==== 28 Jul 96 ==== We are halfway through our third week and we have experienced Drill Sergeant Pelehach for about a week. Pelehach reminds me of Lieutenant Commander Queeg in ''The Caine Mutiny'' (by Herman Wook), He always has this smirk on his face, he is paranoid, and he drops us for push-ups for no other reason than he just feels like it. He did drop down and do push-ups with us the first time and he does explain why he does the seemingly irrational things he does. He wants to give us stress, so we learn how to deal with change, as modern warfare is so fluid. He wants us to work as a team, so he makes himself the common enemy, so that we would have the opportunity to unite against him. Other training we have been through recently, not mentioned in earlier letters or postcards, include: rifle aiming, function check, foxhole and prone firing positions, environmental awareness, ethics, rape prevention, family planning, rescue breathing, and applying a pressure dressing. Several negative things happened. Private Cruise (a member of our platoon still here after several cycles for getting injured and not taking care of the injury and deciding to try Basic again) attempted suicide, so they put her in the psychiatric ward in a padded cell. Lesson: Don’t just attempt to commit suicide - either go all the way or just carry on. $13 dollars was stolen from me - I left my locker unattended once when I had to go down to formation and didn’t have time to lock it - the rest was luckily in money orders (my cash advance), but most people lost a lot more. I found out that I am left eye dominant, which means I have to fire my rifle as a left handed person would, which makes it harder to hold it steady for long periods of time. I signed up for an 11" x 14" of my platoon and an Annual of my graduating class and pictures of some of the training we underwent. We are just starting cadence, which makes marching more fun, especially the other day, when it rained for the first time while we were outside and not told to put our rain gear on - I became very emotional, as I was reminded of running back in Oregon. I also found a way to get a lot of leave very early. Ask SSG Rodriguez to sign me up for the'' Hometown Recruiting Program. ''The Hometown Recruiting Program'' ''would allow me to receive up to 40 days "leave" as long as I work for the Springfield Recruiting Station immediately after AIT, before I ship off for permanent duty station and this "leave" would not be deducted from the 30 days authorized per year. I would like to use the time to ask SSG Rodriguez about how good a shape you need to be in to go to Air Assault School (repelling off helicopters) and describe what happens at Ranger School in more detail. I would also like some time to pack up some of my belongings and several other things. Your Son Benjamin P.S. Please send Rebecca’s address. Please pray for me when I go to the gas chamber on August 1st. ==== 11 Aug 96 ==== Dear Parents, This week we started Basic Rifle Marksmanship on Range 1 "South Carolina". I zeroed my rifle and I grouped my triangulations. I have learned to pick out human silhouettes from the tree-line, and I have shot at single and multiple targets that come up and down at random distances, along a specific lane, for only a few seconds. A few weeks ago, when we were driven past the BRM ranges, I was impressed with how beautiful it was under the little trees, but now I know how penetrating the heat can be and how long a day at the range can be, or how frustrating it can be to be ate-up and be told you are letting the entire team down, by being clueless, even though you are doing your very best. Tuesday night, we were on Bivouac (camping) out near the BRM ranges. I was one of the fastest to both set up and take down my tent. We had a camouflage demonstration - all you need is light green and loam. We practiced noise discipline and used only red flashlights. The sandy soil worked great for the tent stakes. I was impressed with how adaptable and durable the military gear issued to us as privates. We were only smoked once and didn’t have to march far. Thursday, we marched 4 miles with rucksacks to Range 12. My knee cramped up and gave me some trouble towards the end, but I stayed in step and in formation. Thursday night I had to be a buddy for another one of the battle buddies, so he could go to the hospital, which cut down on my sleep even further. Friday I was able to keep my rifle up the entire time that we did rifle PT, even though I did 100 sit-ups and 400 push-ups the day before (for leaving my night sight up instead of my day sight - I forgot to slip it back after cleaning it). I am also improving significantly at my Manual of Arms (rifle drill and ceremony). At the single and double targets range, the NCOIC of the range - the sergeant giving the commands from the tower - sounded like an auctioneer and I had a hard time not laughing, because there was a sergeant with a Marine Corps tattoo, who was just appalled at how stupid we were - we were so nervous, we went the wrong direction, and the "auctioneer" told the DS over the loudspeaker which lanes to watch well, which when you looked over there, you could tell they were missing all the targets and were behind a few commands. Saturday, we started double targets in the BRM range. I was so tired from fire watch the night before, but I still did much better. And as the targets become more and more lifelike I do better and better. My platoon does the best on Manual of Arms now and we are the only ones in our company who knew the counts to the 15-count Manual of Arms, so we can live up to last cycles "2nd to none" reputation. Our platoon is re-adjusting its pecking order, as we are half way through our 5th week. After BRM qualification on the 14th, I will be able to relax a little. It is very hot out on the range and we have virtually no time to get our personal hygiene and weapon cleaning done. I am going to try to call once a week to keep my sanity. This Sunday, I am waiting in line, during the service and hopefully I will finish in time before Bible study, but I may have waited too long for either. PAST EVENTS We now have a Drill Cadet named Saban. She is really cool. She wears a silver circle mirror on her cap to denote her rank, which is roughly equivalent to that of our Drill Sergeants. She is in the ROTC program (probably she will be going into her junior year in college as she has just completed her 6-week Basic Course - ROTC Basic Training). She dropped with us when DS Pelehach smoked us and she only drops us for 5 push-ups when we do something really stupid. She isn’t arrogant like the other Drill Cadets. She doesn’t do very well at cadence calls and she won’t let us use sexual or dirty words or phrases in our cadence. I have received my first Leave and Earnings Statement: I have 25 days leave accumulated and $514 deposited in my account not including $200 Casual Pay, but without the Montgomery GI Bill money or laundry fees taken out (they will probably be deducted from my LES that I will get on the 15th). On my last PT test, I improved my push-ups from 20 to 30, my sit-ups from 47 to 70 and my 2 mile run from 14:44 to 13:03. That bumped me up from the "B" to the "A" running group and kept me from passing the final PT test by 2 push-ups. I will probably get about 40 push-ups, 80 sit-ups, and about 12:30 this Saturday on my PT test, which will give me enough points to pass my AIT PT tests, I passed into White Phase, by scoring high enough on my PT test and stayed off my DS’s Sugar Honey Ice Tea list by passing my communications, map, rifle function check, first aid, rank identification, and saluting an officer tests. I decided not to try for any Military Combat Training like Air Assault or Ranger Schools and instead get as much leadership and academic schooling as possible to avoid being drafted for infantry, even though that is fairly unlikely. I have come to realize that I would learn how to survive in combat better by learning Jiu-Jitsu (the martial art developed from Bruce Lee’s Jeet Kune Do concepts)  as I would like to train gradually over a long period of time, so I can really understand what I am learning. Jiu-Jitsu covers fighting in all situations as in it has no fixed fighting stance and would prepare me for combat without making it more likely for me to be sent to combat. Some of those in the Rangers and the Airborne think that they are so bad that they "never die, they just go to Hell to regroup" and that they don’t need help from anyone, even God. I took communion for the first time this last Sunday in I don’t know how many years. It was more special to me as I had been through Hell in my own mind’s eye in the gas chamber a few days before. We have also been pre-trained in Claymore Mines, how to respond to NBC attack, and how to identify Soviet weaponry. Your Son, Benjamin ==== 19 Aug 96 ==== Dear Parents, Much has happened in the last week. I’ll go chronologically this time. I ordered several platoon t-shirts with our insignia and motto on them. We did some push-ups, where we dipped down between two chairs - 3 sets of 30. They really build muscle tone and endurance in the entire arm, especially the chest and shoulders. We now get to eat frozen yogurt on Sundays. I don’t miss candy much. We get candy in our MREs, that we can eat, but it is usually too rich for me, since I haven’t had it for so long. It’s hard to get a good balance of food, as we have so little time  to pick up what we want in the chow hall, but I get plenty of fruit, grain, and dairy. I thought that I might miss not knowing what’s going on in the world, but I don’t waste time on newspapers, because it is all the same anyway. I do miss music though. My creative side lies dormant in my sleep. I have had some weird dreams lately. There is so little time to appreciate nature and to stop and think out alone. We did our first 5 mile tactical road march, with weapons ready, like the Roadrunner Battalion in Vietnam. The day before the Final BRM Record Qualification Day, my whole platoon with our Drill Sergeant Roberts and my battle buddy led the prayer. We even had 2 privates from the platoon we bunk with join. We prayed that we could win a ribbon for DS Roberts and work as a team, so we could all qualify the first time. On Final BRM Record Qualification Day, we started doing push-ups as a platoon, when just one person was dropped, this time DS Roberts dropped with us. As my firing number came up, I walked up singing "Rushing Wind" to myself out loud. I missed too many, from the foxhole, because our site posts were blackened by the DS as we walked in so it took me too long to realize that I was aiming for the bottom of the blackened part on the sight post. When I went to the prone unsupported firing position, I hit almost every target - 1 shot/1 kill every time. My DS thought I would bolo, so the 250 and 300 meter targets went up and down for me and counted as if I shot them every time. My DS Roberts put her thumb up and smiled and the Tower announced that everyone in my firing order qualified. The CO pinned the badge on me. My Company was best in the whole battalion and my platoon was the best in the company at BRM. We are still waiting for DS Pelehach to do 200 push-ups for our platoon guide when she qualified as an expert. We did night fire later that day. It is so dark that most people didn’t even bother to sync their sights. We were told to shoot the wrong targets, so I shot enough targets for both me and the guy next to me to get a go, by switching back and forth between both targets that could be mine. The tracers were beautiful though. I was lucky enough to shoot while it was still light enough to get a go (7/30) but the DS didn’t even keep track of who was on what lane. We got to bed by 11:30, and were up by 4:30 the next morning for PT. I also had fire guard for someone on KP the next day. The next day, we fired with our NBC Pro masks on, and I freaked out, because I couldn’t get it on quick enough and I could still smell CS gas in it. We also fired on burst this time, with my right hand, which was much easier. In fact, I hit every target and DS Pelehach asked me why I didn’t fire right handed before. I answered - I was told to fire left handed, because DS Evans said that I was left eye dominant. It won’t be too hard to qualify as a sharpshooter, after AIT, right handed. We also had a Health and Welfare inspection ordered by my CO to find who had condoms, cake, pornos, and other contraband. Drill Cadet Saban inspected my locker, so my gear was not thrown around. I also found out that if I am stationed with a Light Infantry Regiment, life will be very hard- 25 miles a day with 100 lb. pack over rough terrain and sheer cliffs at quick time in step - but that is unlikely to happen to me as I will be working with computers. We went back to the Reception Battalion and were issued our Class "B" and "A" Uniforms. Everyone looked better in a uniform and I was able to sneak in a little contraband sleep. We had our 3rd PT test. I got 12:42 on my 2-mile run, 84 on my sit-ups in 2 minutes, and 43 push-ups in 2 minutes. I passed the Basic and AIT standards already, and I phased into Blue Phase with the rest of my company. My platoon lost the Drill and Ceremony Competition by 1 point. We fired an M-60 Machine Gun with live ammunition, M-203 Grenade Launcher with paint balls, and an AT-4 Anti-Tank Round with 9mm tracer ammunition. The M-60 was too loud and jammed into my shoulder uncomfortably. The Grenade Launcher was a glorified paint-ball gun and was almost impossible to aim with the funky sight. The AT-4 was too light to balance, when you couldn’t put the back blast area into the pocket of your shoulder, and was too much weight in back, compared to the weight in front. The Battalion Commander walked by me and tested me to make sure I was watching to make sure my back blast area was clear. We learned how to administer a nerve agent antidote to our body and started reviewing for individual proficiency tests at the end of the cycle. Two members of my platoon were flirting, so DS Pelehach gave them a nice "evening out" in the chow hall, after they paid $189 for an Article 15. Only 2 weeks left. Please send me pictures of family and my checks. Your Son, Benjamin ==== 25 Aug 96 ==== Dear Parents, Basic Training is tougher than ever before and it is so hard to see the end of the road, as I get more and more depressed each day thinking about FTX and being gassed with CS out in the field. We learned how to low crawl, high crawl, and 3-5 second rush for our basic Individual Movement Techniques. This is to minimize the amount of time that you give away your position and expose yourself to sniper fire. Low crawl is the most tiring and the most dirty IMT besides being the slowest, but your profile is so low that it is almost impossible to be hit and your kevlar helmet protects your entire body. Low crawling can also be used to get under barbed wire. Low crawling isn’t too bad in the sand, but hurts a lot over roots. We also learned how to signal for Set, Moving, Hold, and Danger Area. That night, we started learning how to use Interlocking Fire to defend a position. This emphasizes the necessity of teamwork out in the field. You cannot defend yourself. You have to cover your buddy and let him cover you, so your lines of fire criss cross to form a wall of hot lead. We saw a demonstration. When the enemy came too close, they set off claymore mines, threw hand grenades, had the M-60 machine gunner fire across the length of their positions, to create a very dense and deadly wall of lead, while tying up only one gunner. Then the rifle bearing soldiers were freed up to aim for and pick off the enemy one by one. Flares were sent off to signal major themes of the battle. White flares illuminated the battlefield, green meant start firing, and red means ceasefire. The next day, we qualified for grenades and threw 2 live M-69 Fragmentation Grenades. We were shown what an Incendiary, White Smoke, and Colored Smoke looked like when employed. I freaked out, so they didn’t throw the CS Gas grenade (8-10x as strong as the gas chamber), even though they would throw it far enough that it wouldn’t drift over towards us. I qualified as a Marksman on the Grenade Qualification Course. As I realized the power in the Fragmentation Grenades and was let go to the live fire range before I felt like I knew what I was doing, I started freaking out. They made me go first, and let the best instructor talk me through it. We put on our Kevlars and put on a Kevlar jacket and we were behind a concrete wall with reinforced steel, but that still isn’t comforting when you don’t know how much power the grenade has. The instructor told me how it must not be dangerous as he did it every day and he was sane. I looked up and saw only little craters and couldn’t see any shrapnel in the sand and the target didn’t even appear scathed. I was more calm, when I picked up the live grenade, then when I used the practice ones, because it was easier to use and felt the right weight. I aimed and threw as far as I could and dropped my head and arms between my legs, as I squatted down in less than a split second. Luckily my instructor was holding me down, because the time delay was so long (3-5 seconds) that I almost stood up, to see if I remembered to pull the pin. When I went back into the protection area and looked through the 5 panes of bullet proof glass, the grenades didn’t seem to blow up too large an area (5-10 feet) and all you saw was sand kicked up in the air, but the shrapnel must have been sent far, because shrapnel penetrated up to 4 panes deep. I sat down immediately, when I noticed this, so I was protected by even thicker concrete and steel. The next day, I KPD’d for another battalion, so I got out of low crawling all day. The last few days, we have been going through all the Individual Proficiency Tasks in our assigned groups (1/2 platoon size) to make sure we are so thoroughly brainwashed with the correct answers that we can’t possibly screw up, even if we sound off as a group. We took our final PT test and I did 53 push-ups (70%), 85 sit-ups (92%) (both in 2 minutes) and 12:45 (93%) on my 2 mile run (I would have ran faster, but my battle buddies kept on yelling CS gas, so I lost my concentration). We can now drink soda and eat cake when DS Roberts is on duty (she smokes us before we eat to burn off the calories). I finally got my NBC Protective Mask to seal and will practice getting it on in less than 9 seconds, so I won’t get a mouthful of CS, when they drop it on us at FTX. I passed everything required, so I will not be held back unless I go insane or go on profile, when it is time for me to ship off. I talked to the DS, the Chaplain, and my battle buddies about the CS - I almost quit over it, but they have helped me and will not gas us bad, because they don’t want me to go insane and kill someone. I think my DS is reassured, because I told him I will forewarn him, before I do something stupid. It seems you have to learn to speak, to walk, and to think all over again in the Army - I forgot everything I ever learned and lost all my self-confidence but it will come back after FTX. Just pray that I make it that far. If I do make it that far, I made plans with one of my battle buddies. His parents will sign me out and take me out to dinner (and I will have more than 5 minutes to eat, I can talk, and don’t have to sound off and stand at ease in line). I will be able to relax tremendously after FTX, but the depression may be much worse during AIT, as I am away longer and longer from Oregon and the people I am used to. 5 days of training, 4 days of cleaning and out-processing and 2 days of graduation left. I am going to ask the chaplain to pray for me for the first time. I hope I break my back or the pain in my ears turns out to be an ear infection so I can get out of FTX. I have to wake up my relief so I can get off fireguard and get a couple hours sleep. Oh, we got our platoon t-shirts in - they are beautiful - I might frame one. Your Son, Benjamin ==== 1 Sep 96 ==== This Monday, we completed the End of Cycle Individual Proficiency Tests, otherwise known as "Super Bowl." There were 10 stations with 20 or 30 tasks. I passed (got a "go") on 8 of the stations. At the claymore mine deployment and recovery, I left the test set in when I fired it, so I got a no-go. At the rifle malfunction clearing station, I performed SPORTS (slap magazine, pull the charging handle back, observe the chamber, release the charging handle, tap the forward assist, and squeeze the trigger) wrong, because I used the wrong hand and the 2nd time because I switched the 2 S’s. On Tuesday, we went to the confidence course. We climbed towers and ropes and went down a command wire. We also low crawled under barb wire and mounted various obstacles. On Wednesday, we left for Field Training Exercises (FTX) - this was by far the worst "camping" experience I have ever had. They only gassed us once, but they threw a lot of smoke grenades very close to my fighting position. The first time one of the Drill Sergeants set off a white smoke grenade 20 ft. from me, I hesitated for a split second, because I didn’t think riot grenades made a "snap-crackle-pop" sound, but I still managed to get my mask cleared and sealed and run down the hill in 4 seconds. No one else had gotten their mask out of the carrier. Then we realized that the wind was blowing the opposite direction and that it wasn’t CS. We were just below the grenade range and a rifle range and my battle buddy kept coughing, so I was always ready to put my mask on. I found out that CS doesn’t "boom" and is grey, and wispy so I could identify it before I totally freaked out. I knew we would not be gassed at night, but I still slept with my mask right on my left leg in its carrier. When they called us out to form along the main road, Thursday night, I knew we would be gassed. They always gassed the road and they wanted to make sure everyone was gassed equally. The CO gave us a lecture on lightening safety procedures, as the DSs were tying CS canisters on the end of their staffs. They started at the other end of the company formation and my mask was cleared and sealed long before the gas got near. There first was a smoke bomb and then we were told "All Clear" then came the real gas and I got mine on in time again. Some guys said "all clear" and some morons took off their masks and were hurting bad. The DS made us take off our masks before it was really all clear, but my battle buddies helped keep me from running. I threw dirt on my hands and kept my eyes closed so it wasn’t as bad. It took us all day Wednesday to dig and camouflage our foxhole. We had to clear 6 ft. in all directions around the fighting position. The hole had to be 2 kevlar helmets long, 2 M-16 rifles wide, and arm pit deep of the tallest buddy (me). We then had to arrange some 80 odd sandbags to cover our position and we covered all that with sticks, leaves, needles, and small bushes to conceal it. On of my DS’s (DS Pelehach) took me out on a mission. We were to assault an "enemy" position demonstrating our: map, first aid, communication, perimeter security, and out individual movement technique skills. My DS had a simulation fragmentation grenade and a white smoke grenade with CS riot grenade markings on it to see if I would run when he threw it. He threw it fairly far away and the wind blew it the other way, but it was too dense and the people running through it too calm for it to be CS. My DS Roberts took me on a night raid with flare for illumination. It was fun. The march back was between 4-6 miles with full combat gear (carrying our rifles at ready arms) but I was relaxed and I started to remember our training and back at high school and see them both as real at the same time. We are cleaning and turning in all our gear we used in Basic. I probably don’t owe any money for anything. We went to a concert on post with All 4 One and Planet Soul which was really relaxing although late at night. I am looking forward to graduation, AIT, and home more and more as I can finally see the end of the road. Your Son, Benjamin === 2.1.3 Military Poetry === ==== Memories of a Soldier ==== ===== The Dark ===== Is is dark now And I fight to stay awake I never was this tired before But my time in the Army Sure was exhausting And many things I still remember Happened at night The night of our arrival At Reception Battalion Lasted far past midnight It took us hours to get into formation And to stop talking I don’t remember What processing they were doing That took all that time The night watch was so long I read my green Gideon’s pocket bible And scoured its indexes Finding helpful verses I still don’t know What we were watching for At Basic Training Day started in a flash of light The light switch was flipped And we jumped out of bed And ran into formation Then we ran out into the dark And stopped under stadium lights My arrival to my Duty Station Was in the deep of night So idyllic with the palm trees And the fresh sea air I was lost of course Following Drill Sergeants orders I didn’t get on the bus With the rest of the soldiers But I found my way to my unit With a lot of help Ironically the cab dropped me off Within feet of my assigned battalion I walked to and from my job Usually in the dark of dawn or dusk And I wore my sleeves long And wore mountain boots Because it can get chilly With the air conditioning so high ===== Fear and Excitement ===== My experience in the Army Was full of fear and excitement I was terrified of being tortured But I was thrilled beyond imagination At being part of history The risk is beyond human But with the adrenaline going You forget all the problems that could arise I knew what I was doing was important And it was exciting work For someone just out of high school Hawaii was a dream on earth And the activities were plentiful The land and ocean are breath taking But the people are what keep you there One bus travels the perimeter of Oahu From North Shore to Waikiki By Scofield Barracks and Pearl Harbor Location is everything And that was perfect But my mind was tormented With long bouts of depression and paranoia In my barracks I was kept awake With fear of deployment And fear of chemical attack I had no trouble at work My supervisors were amazed at my performance I tested out of a year of college And maxed out my sit-ups portion of the PT test But worries worked at my stomach And I could never relax I saw the island But had trouble enjoying anything It was not that I was just negative But my mood kept me on a bad course When I went in for counseling They knew something was wrong ===== Churches Numerous ===== God was very real to me When I was in the Army And the church was the safest place for me A place where little was expected I went to church during Basic Training There were no Drill Sergeants there And there were no orders to follow At Advanced Individual Training I attended a Methodist church A block from our barracks The other soldiers wondered why I went every week But that was all I had left of myself When I arrived at my Duty Station I tried a number of churches I found a church next to my barracks again But I was the only white person there It was full of excitement And people even danced in church It was Church of God in Christ denomination But I don’t remember their theology My roommate drove me to his church At the other end of the island This was the best church in Honolulu It was Word of Life Christian Center Or something like that This was the First Charismatic/Pentecostal church I attended regularly It was a great place to meet Nice young women my age And they had activities for 20 somethings Another church I went to was called Oahu Church of Christ or something like that They met in the form of potlucks At a different place every time And there were always outdoor baptisms At every service The final church I went to Was just outside the base Every Sunday was a salvation message And members were expected to come Other times of the week as well Saturday nights the preacher answered questions And there was prayer and speaking in tongues Every other night throughout the week ==== Safe and Sound ==== ===== The Recruiter ===== I took a long time deciding Whether or not to join the military One of my interests in it Was that I could do something Interesting just out of high school And go to a much better college And not be in debt from student loans I was also stressed out with all the reading We did my senior year and I was looking Forward to have some time away From a rigorous academic program I chose to go enlisted because I wanted To get my military service out of the way Before I went to college Because even then I didn’t Think it would be very enjoyable I found out later that there is little A person can do to prepare for Basic Training Except getting into good over all physical shape I had run most years of high school in Cross Country and Long Distance Track And my senior year I worked out all summer And took an intensive conditioning course The last half of my senior year I signed up a whole year in advance So I got an interesting job in the Army Working with computers I remember asking my recruiter directly About the NBC training And whether or not our enemies would be Using chemical weapons in combat He directly denied it I wasn’t afraid of being killed But I didn’t want to be burned alive The brochures painted one side of Someone’s imagination of military life But being in the Army is very different The only thing I had really known That was correct was that it didn’t Require much brain power even for The most advanced engineering job ===== Basic Training ===== The first thing that shocked me Was how much easier the physical training And how more friendly my fellow soldiers were Than I had expected The downside was that I didn’t Rise to the occasion as much as I had hoped The first 2 weeks of Basic Training You get yelled at a lot from the Drill Sergeants And you learn to march As well as watch films on all sorts of things Like the military judicial system (UCMJ) And a scare film about STDs You also get issued gear during this period It is really easy to get out then But there is nothing very stressful yet Next you learn the Manual of Arms How to move the rifle in ceremony and safely I had to drop and do push-ups Each time any procedure was explained As I seemed to keep on getting it wrong Then we had a confidence building course That we had to repel and climb through Various towers somewhat like an obstacle course Then they do pictures and no one is allowed to smile Of course that wasn’t hard as we were to go To the gas chamber in a few days I was told the gas chamber didn’t cause any pain And that you only had to Hold your breath for a few seconds You go in this small dark room With your mask on and you feel Your hands are burning painfully Then you are told to take off the mask Not only can you barely breathe But it feels like your Lungs and eyes are on fire We were kept in there for at least 5 minutes And we were the last platoon in So we had much more of the CS gas In the room at the time As they put another stick in each time Another platoon went in This is when I realized the Risks I was taking by enlisting After that, we spent 2 weeks Learning how to shoot the M-16 (BRM) I thought I would never pass But the drill sergeant gave me a lane Where the 300m target jumped up And down and counted for me No matter if I hit it or not We then trained with a live grenade I freaked out about this Until I got the live grenade and then It just felt like throwing a baseball Except after you throw it you dive Down in your foxhole and put Your head between your legs For training we didn’t have a foxhole But we had a cement wall We stood behind, we wore a kevlar Helmet and vest and the sergeant Jumped on us to make sure we were down These grenades are safe as long as you aren’t Standing up as they explode at a high angle Then we went to field training exercises (FTX) I didn’t do very good at digging a foxhole But my battle buddy slept while I Watched for the Drill Sergeant One time, the Drill Sergeant pulled my rifle Out of my hands, so I had to low crawl In the dirt, but later I gathered That she was saving me from the Other Drill Sergeant who was going to throw CS gas into my foxhole I slept with my protective mask on that night Then we did a big test on everything We learned for combat survival I failed the clearing a rifle from a jam test (SPORTS) And I left the test button connected when I set off my claymore mine and yelled "claymore" I was supposed to be punished for that But it didn’t happen for some reason During the last week, the head Drill Sergeant For the platoon announced in front of everyone That if I wasn’t already promoted as high As she could promote, then she would have Chosen my above all the other soldiers The only thing that happened the same every day Was that we woke up once the lights were turned on We jumped out of bed and ran into formation When we finished training under the football lights We went to breakfast as it was getting light And this was in the middle of the summer On Sundays we got a few hours off to write letters And we could go to church or we could do chores We were also allowed a little time to call home ===== Advanced Training ===== Going to advanced training was a big relief (AIT) I was shocked to see my roommates Watch TV and play video games I was also shocked that we had Drill Sergeants In advanced training as well And these ones were out of uniform The first month or two we did details (chores) We went to school in rotating schedules We had morning, swing, and graveyard shifts Every few months, our class rotated I went to school with all the other services I developed allergic pink eye (Conjunctivitis) Which I continued to have for 3 more years I think I was more stressed out by Having to identify who are the officers And who are the NCOs and their ranks Than I was afraid of the real potential Of being exposed to chemical weapons Going to advanced training was a big relief (AIT) I was shocked to see my roommates Watch TV and play video games I was also shocked that we had Drill Sergeants In advanced training as well And these ones were out of uniform The first month or two we did details (chores) We went to school in rotating schedules We had morning, swing, and graveyard shifts Every few months, our class rotated I went to school with all the other services I developed allergic pink eye (Conjunctivitis) Which I continued to have for 3 more years I think I was more stressed out by Having to identify who are the officers And who are the NCOs and their ranks Than I was afraid of the real potential Of being exposed to chemical weapons We had much better food as we were on A Navy base and after the Air Force abandoned Their "dormitories" we inherited them They were like the Hilton to us But they were not up to Air Force standards The Marines really hated us As they trained on an Army base before And they didn’t have a good experience We gradually got more and more privileges After every few months We were eventually allowed to leave the base When I shipped off, everyone was being sent to Hawaii People graduating a month or 2 before me Were sent to Bosnia and Korea We had much better food as we were on A Navy base and after the Air Force abandoned Their "dormatories", we inherited them They were like the Hilton to us But they were not up to Air Force standards The Marines really hated us As they trained on an Army base before And they didn’t have a good experience We gradually got more and more privileges After every few months We were eventually allowed to leave the base When I shipped off, everyone was being sent to Hawaii People graduating a month or 2 before me Were sent to Bosnia and Korea ===== Permanent Duty Station ===== I graduated on Valentine’s Day And arrived at the air port In the middle of the night I took a taxi as the Drill Sergeant told me On arriving to the base I did not know where to go Ironically, I was dropped off in exactly the right spot I had to do details my first few weeks After doing processing at the base There was a bus that drove All around the island (Oahu) So I could see all the sites on my days off We worked on a rotating swing and graveyard So I would always have different days off I attended different churches on the base In town nearby, in Honolulu, and across the island It was so beautiful even in the winter After working a few months, I got mononucleosis I also got staff eye infections One day, half delirious I went to the commanding officer And asked to get out of the military I didn’t even care if it was honorable or not I was referred to the counseling center They determined that I had a personality disorder I never even saw anyone other than NCOs A psychiatrist (a Major) signed off on it at the end Later I found I had Schizophrenia, but that The military wanted to save money, So they didn’t diagnose me properly Before I left, I ran a half marathon through Kole Kole Pass to a Naval Seal base I also took some tests that got me credit For a year of college And a few months before took some classes Which in combination, gave me An entire year as transferable credit later on So I never was a college freshman I also had seen most the major tourist sites Before I left the military I got out in 5 weeks after talking to the CO And I got an honorable discharge This never happens that fast Even with a dishonorable discharge God was sure looking out for me ==== Duality Poetry ==== ===== A Man, Nothing More ===== Could a broken soldier be the same man As a tormented artist and suffering writer Whose sleep comes harder? A soldier longs for home An artist longs for something to hold In a flash of the camera A lifetime of experience A pace that never lets up A falter in the climb The fire devours the heart The heat consumes the poetry A timid laugh Shame and disappointment disguised Too long a Soldier Artist A pawn of no one A disfunctioning wheel in the corporate machine If only my mind would turn off Like the light switch Belief without doctrine Names without distinctions A word created man A man uses words for the Creator My heart may be an invention But my art is not In plain clothes I don’t disguise my uselessness Without personal transportation Or protein that comes with a face Too soon a Peasant Scholar ===== Like a Peasant ===== A soldier preparing for battle Smelling a stench that burned the nostrils I bravely entered into a little room In the span of several minutes Eternity passed five times Alone in hell I was paralyzed with fear Compassion was never present I left with an anger that could not be quenched Prophet of God Called to a sacred mission The only one who could stop the tribulation Taking the pain upon myself The suffering of 3-1/2 years in a matter of minutes The other half as a lonely wanderer The sun came up and the wind became lively One life sacrificed for billions of others I was led by others to a place I did not want to go Hitting rock bottom Waking up in a room locked from the outside My life began again I could not advocate for myself Hours went by like weeks Time was playing tricks on me One freak in a million who lives by himself This is truly something Someone who dared to challenge society To hold himself accountable to both reason and faith Who challenges himself to create more intelligent pieces of art each time Who expands to different disciplines as he breaks into one at a time A happy child with control over his destiny I return to the joy of my youth Now more thoughtful in word and action A handicap that I struggle with daily But without pain ===== Like a Soldier ===== Fighting all our lives For just a moment in time For that natural high That reflective sigh For that minute of silence When the world stops And you keep going That sweet sorrow Comes when we look back Nothing will be repeated A feeling that never ends The moment will fade But the silence I will keep And the tune will play in my head Humor comes in such surprising moments But the pain lingers on and drags into hours What will stop the deep sorrow From penetrating my bruised heart? We are most alone When the other first closes the door Pain is deeper than a bullet wound When we have a sorrow that can’t be resolved How do we fight With just one step in front of the other? Sometimes it is harder just to keep standing We are not defeated when we fall down Or fall short of our expectations And death need not be a defeat But that is not the worst fate Some fight with paper It is not how many balls that land in the trash That measures their success It is not the expected outcome That foreshadows loss Every moment we breathe with a sigh That is how we know we are alive Through the hours that never let up We do our work with less and less hesitation But it is not what defines us It is in the all nighters And the long evening talks That we remember ===== Life’s Parallels ===== Setting down my protective mask And logging off my workstation for the last time My duty done Someone else will save the world tomorrow I heard God on the radio Leaving the fantasy world permanently The world is no longer a projection of my mind I swallow the red pill And wake up outside the protective matrix I followed God through the start of the millennium Sitting at a table in a local deli The radio was on for the first time Reality comes crashing down Our nightmares are played on the black box in our living rooms God kept me from sinking into my sorrow Taking a good look behind I see some of the past in my future The old world that my ancestors came from is a news flash away We are part of them and they are part of us Time places no limits on God What separates us from madness and violence is a very thin line ==== Other Poetry ==== ===== Commitment and Freedom ===== A perfectly made bed And a perfectly pressed uniform A hard run across the pavement And push-ups on the living insect ground coverings A breakfast of hard grits And salty juice A bleached protective mask And a lubricated rifle A rotating shift With different days off every week Are far from a perfect way To get an edge on life Running is the only freedom When you are being put under combat stress You’re only break is when you are in church service When the drill sergeant is always breathing down your neck Over 5 years later Outside the grip of Uncle Sam There is a calm deep inside A feeling of silence never leaves There is no reason to always be alert There is no threat of attack There is no one to make all your decisions for you There is a freedom in being done with war There is no allegiance that you have to die for No commitment that might end your life There is an excitement that comes When you can go anywhere tomorrow There is a contentment that comes When you know you are working for peace There is a way that you can relax When you will not be insulted for slipping up There is a confidence that comes When you can plan your own day War brings nothing good And being done with it is the greatest relief Why should we sacrifice For decisions others have made? What war ever brought less war to follow? And when will they ever end? Maybe if they stop enlisting The Army will have to cease hostilities ===== Desert Mist ===== My eyelids are heavy as depleted uranium My heart is burned with radiation In a flash of the flares And in the yellow smoke My mind turns to my childhood To others taken away In the silent night Fire-fights lit up the sky One side obliterated in hours Burning carcasses littered the desert The Army goes rolling along Over barricades at 40 mph Pausing only seconds between firing The young knights barely of age Trampling the cavalry of years gone by I dream of a time When my boots were always polished And my shirt ironed flat Of fears lived And hopes vanished The god of war is steel And the protector is a rubber mask In danger I plead with logic And critical time slips by There is no escape From the grips of Uncle Sam This is a time That I remember all too well When staying awake Is the least of your worries When hitting the target is an empty goal And clearing your rifle seems unimportant There are times when you want to fly away And now I can But when you are in the middle of the beast There is little you can do Suicide seems rational But that would bring little relief When you hear "Gas! Gas! Gas! " Two and half seconds is not fast enough ===== Reflections on Soldiering ===== The room is glowing red We are convulsing in the furnace Within a crematoria though alive We gasp for breathe as though drowning Little chamber filled with fire How long will we be locked within your walls? Large beady eyes glare at us Telling us to surrender our eyes to the flames Behind the masks and beneath the suits Our leaders show no sign of care No understanding Of the corrosive atmosphere Bound within the gates of Hell We are paralyzed with fear After spending several ages in fire The door is flung open We are allowed out one by one The burning gradually decreases And we can begin to breathe again But at any moment We may be forced back in Next time it will be longer And there is no end in sight Each day we spend in training We lose a year’s memory Our days before we went to war Fade to be nothing more than a dream There is no time to enjoy life or relax When every waking hour must be devoted discipline Our music is the orders of the Drill Sergeant And our dance is the manual of arms Our only realm for expression is in our dreams And our only book is the Soldiers Manual We believe in the claymore and in our protective masks They are all that watch over us We are free when we are running As long as we are fast enough How can I live any longer With the threat of drowning in fire? I never would have chosen this road If I knew what war was like If a POW camp is harder than this life And combat is both more boring and more terrifying than training How will I withstand the reality of war? How will I become a soldier? There are no more choices to make After the one that got me here There is no independence in the Army There is no justice in what we do How can we defend others rights When we have none? Drill Sergeant says I am now a soldier That I have been transformed That there is nothing but shame in turning back That there is hope in what lies ahead That I will not have to face the same realities The others will have to face But I for the first time understand fear And I cannot trust anyone to save me I am on my own with no one looking over me Yet I have no freedom and no escape I feel like an infant I feel weak and powerless But there is no guardian There is no one I know Dying doesn’t scare me But the possibilities of suffering do I see no meaning Except in avoiding pain There is no reason to live And no protection except in death ===== Total Isolation ===== When you enlist in the Army Your life is no longer your own Joining is the last decision you make Your intelligence is of no use And your training a waste of time There is no way you can get prepared For a life without freedom When you lived a life with Choices for everything There is only one way to march One way to shoot a rifle There is one way to make your bed And there is only one way To don your protective mask There is one way to throw a grenade And one way to dig a foxhole There is no time to think about Theories of war or the Geneva conventions There is never a time when you Can let your guard down Your life is totally committed You have your reasons for enlisting But they matter less and less Enlistment is a one way tunnel And there are no stops or ways out You can shoot yourself in the foot But then your job will just be harder You can follow your job to the letter And yet be valued the same As the biggest screw-up You could follow directions exactly And still get captured The others fail you all the time But if you ever fail them The cost is enormous If you fail to listen to instructions You could be the next victim Of the war on terror You could pay attention to Every last detail And still end up needing to be Identified by DNA === 2.1.4 Considering Military Service? === I served in the Army and here are some of the things I found to be both good and bad about the military. I also worked with the other services too, so I know something about them. ==== Good Points ==== You can feel confident that you are doing something important and something that not everyone can do. You also feel like you are accomplishing something important. Remember, whether or not you agree with what the government has sent you to do, you are still being a great help. And you don’t have to feel responsible for what your country decides, because the military does not decide when and where to go in. You meet some great people in the military that you will remember your whole life. They often have strong personalities and are not always friendly at first, but these guys will save your life even by sacrificing their own. The military does a background check on all recruits before they can join and checks for personality defects, by putting recruits through stress during initial training.  Military service looks great on you resume and if you pick the right job you can get some very valuable training. Look into something that you can do that has a civilian equivalent. There are a lot of good engineering and mechanical related jobs that you can be trained in that will translate into good jobs when you get out of the military.  ==== Bad Points ==== Very few people get the college money they are promised. The government is not going to give you hundreds of thousands of dollars for college if they can avoid it, so they put many restrictions on it like you have to start within 2 years of leaving the military, you can’t change majors (unless enough of your credits apply to the new major), you only get it if you have an honorable discharge, etc. Going to college in the military is not usually an option, because the military is too understaffed to spare service members. You don’t get paid that much during your service. In fact, if you have a wife and a kid and have a college degree, but want the military to pay back the money, you will be under the poverty level and receiving food stamps. You can also get an Article 15 for even very minor infractions, and be penalized with a hundred dollars taken out of your pay check and get a few weeks of extra duty every day.  You might be expected to risk your long term health or life. There is a reason why they send you through a gas chamber, while you are in basic training in the Army, Marines, and sometimes in the Navy and Air Force and it isn’t just a right of passage. The countries the US fights have not signed the Geneva conventions and it it very common for them to torture prisoners and to use chemical weapons. Being exposed to chemical weapons like mustard gas and chlorine is like being burned by battery acid in your lungs and eyes.  ==== Recommend ==== Realize that the military is very stressful and if you are struggling with psychological issues or are a sensitive person of any kind, joining the military will just exasperate your problems and the military is not set up to do everything for you and take care of things if you can’t.  First, consider if joining Americorps or the Peace Corps will satisfy what you are looking for. In Americorps, you help Americans in America, without the high risk of personal injury. You also have many choices on what you can do and who you work for.  Look into joining the Air Force, if at all possible. The Air Force has few of the downsides that the other services have. The one downside to the Air Force is that it is hard to advance very far in rank, because people stay in so long.  Choose the shortest length of service possible. It is very easy to be accepted back into the military for another enlistment, but very hard to get out, while you are still under your tour of duty.  Join the Reserves or Guard first. There are some very interesting jobs that the Reserves and National Guard can do if you are willing to move to another state. If you really enjoy military life, you can very easily change to Regular enlistment, but it is much harder to go the other way around.  When you have joined, always give 150 percent and be a team player all the time and you will avoid 99 percent of the problems most people encounter in the military.  ==== Specifics ==== If you are considering the Army or the Marines, go play paint ball and go camping with your recruiter; this will give you somewhat of an idea about some of the things you will do in the military.  If you are thinking of joining the Navy, really think carefully what it might be like with a bunch of high school age kids on a little ship in the middle of the ocean. Find out exactly how much space you have and some of the things you might have to do there.  If you have joined in the Delayed Entry Program and have changed your mind, it is very easy to get out and does not count against you in the civilian world or even to the other services. If you show up to your swearing in and shipping date, then it is very hard to get out, until your enlistment is up. == 2.2 Transition == === 2.2.1 College === ==== Going Home ==== I am going home today This home is like a dream Away in the Army For just over a year I feel great excitement And serious relief Today is the anniversary Of when World War 2 ended I shall never forget today August 15, 1997 Everything is surreal And I do not believe Anything is real With the awesome release I feel a failure I did not serve my full tour I did not know now That I was mentally ill Or that this was why I was given a discharge All I knew Was my eyes burned And I would have this condition Indefinitely I met people from my home church And I heard of others Triumphs and failures I was introduced to a girl on the phone Who was a few years younger than me When we talked I realized I had no hobbies or interests I don’t know how it was for others But the military life Did not allow me time for leisure Or maybe it was just the mind set That I could never let my guard down Or ever relax I was told by my CO That I should enroll in college And I did so that fall ==== Community College ==== A few days After I came back I bought my first computer I was going to major in business So I bought a PC I had saved 5,000 dollars Of my military income And I got 10,000 dollars For college expenses Because of my service I realized that I had enough for tuition But not enough for housing So I stayed at my parents’ house I did ok in calculus I excelled in economics But I had to take accounting 5 times to pass I missed so many French classes Because I was using the Internet With the free hours from AOL I started out researching my pink eye But got diverted to finding A different way to be Christian Later on I would realize That the answers lay in the church I grew up in Despite those attitudes were the ones I was trying to escape I didn’t study much And slept as much as possible As the pink eye never relented That summer I took several required English courses And started my website This was the first time I was introduced to Postmodernism ==== Community College 2 ==== I tested out of my first year in college While still in the military So I started out at Community College In town as a sophomore I had even got money from the Army For college but the biggest financial aid Came from not counting my parents income Against me so I could get grants Grants don’t have to be paid back I had to live at home because I only Had enough money for school I started out with a Business Major I took Calculus and Economics I had a lot of trouble with Accounting I took it 5 times before I passed it I learned about Postmodernism In my required English class I hated Business but I was trying To be practical about my major I wasn’t able to study much Because I was in so much pain From the allergic pink eye ==== University ==== Not only did I have a Community College In the town I grew up in We also had a University And there are several other colleges there too Besides my business courses I took History of Philosophy And Chinese language course Both these fell through For different reasons The philosophy course required Weekly papers And I missed the first So I had to audit it As I missed the deadline to withdraw I stopped going as I thought Socrates was a smart ass In my Chinese class I couldn’t learn as fast as they taught So I had to drop out of it too But I stayed in my Chinese Literature class And I really enjoyed it This is how I was introduced To Chinese philosophy That spring I had to find an apartment And I switched to Linux Cold turkey After researching it for 6 months I was trying to figure out How to get Microsoft applications From crashing So I looked into programming And all roads led to Linux That summer I went back To stay at my parents house And I took summer courses again For the credits I missed During the school year I took several electives On was Existentialism One was about Ecofeminism I switched my major To Journalism Which made much more sense As I have always been Good at writing I took business initially As my dad recommended it ==== University 2 ==== The next year I attended the University in town as a Junior I continued studying business I took a Chinese Literature class As my business breadth requirement And I enjoyed it immensely This was my first introduction To Eastern Philosophy I also started several other classes But had to drop out As I was still in so much pain From my allergic pink eye This was about the time When I started my website I had to move out that Spring And lived in a fixed up garage For a few months And this was when I first Installed Linux After reading about it for 6 months My motivation was to try to Fix Microsoft Office so it would Crash less and all programming roads Seemed to lead to Linux I had to attend summer school As I didn’t complete enough courses I took an Existentialism and an Ecofeminism Course that summer As that was all that was left This was my first introduction to Existentialism The end of that summer I worked At a phone survey company Previously I had tried selling Long distance phone service And doing canvassing for Our local Public Interest Research Group I changed my major to Journalism I took a grammar course And a graphic design for journalists course As well as a class in mass media And a philosophy course about Beauvoir Someone told me she was the lover Of Foucault which is not true === 2.2.2 Journey === ==== Generations ==== Like Abraham’s call by God So I believed I was called away To another land With my enlistment in the Army Like Jacob’s wrestle with God I started to fight with God About why He allows suffering During college Like Moses liberating his people From the land of the Pharaohs So I was liberating from paranoia After my stay in a psychiatric ward Like Joshua leading his people Into the land of Canaan So I fought to stay as independent And rational as possible Like Israel under Solomon God blessed my work and I flourished In my writing and artwork Then I lived like a prophet In the wilderness of the retirement home Fighting for justice And feeling I lived in the shadow Of many old people’s wrath Now my desire for justice and freedom Has been fulfilled with my return To my own apartment Like the Israelites came back to the land After their years of captivity Under the Assyrians, Babylonians, Persians, etc. In my life I have lived many generations Like being reincarnated My situation changed each time And my life was different at each stage ==== Clarity in Conviction, an Epic Poem ==== I am a rock crushed and beaten to dust I am a clay jar wet with rot, pried and pulled to disfigurement I am rushed by in shrieking winds of light I am filled with void and darkness I stand at the edge of human thought and reason, quivering uncontrollably I am surrounded on each side To the right, pain And to the left, despair Behind me, fear And death alone stands before me All was biting flames and smothering fog Dancing and laughing sadistically Drowning in this red hot furnace I was bound and gagged with pure terror and relentless pain Nothing existed but pain and terror But for a single ray of light immortal After eternity passed five times I passed through the iron doors of night impenetrable Still choking and burning on the rot and char within Pain and not pain were all that existed I am part of nothing And nothing is part of me Having rejected everything And everything having rejected me I am a man, a soldier And nothing more And madness did but all consume me If not for many a labor of love So once fully alone and silent still I did let the sun shine in and heal the rot and char Within the daily fears and petty tribulations that did haunt me And in the midst of the multitudes busy Did He, in the humble summer day breeze, Find I to be wanting and unworthy So in the cool of the day With the entire continuum of time and space shuddering Did my Savior present Himself As the only worthy sacrifice Obedient to even death, He did defeat That which did seek to torment me most eternally As God raised Jesus from the dead From there I venture as a simple pilgrim, asking for directions as I go Finding in the Word He had left me A map to discern the directions to be trusted from that which should not be At times outrunning my companions And at other times standing almost completely still I find clarity in the conviction of this truth That God raised Jesus from the dead And so I go ever on As He walks humbly by my side The living flame imperishable walking To the pace of a mortal man My companion, my Lord, as my real Father He who created me is not yet finished He turns the circle of life, the potter’s wheel To mold my empty and disfigured thoughts into the pure and noble thoughts of His Son Making me into the likeness of the real Son of Man From the inside out I am baptized in His Grace, so That He can make me a new creation Making me again with fresh clay and water And filling the emptiness with His love and His peace And now my eyes are more fully opened And I now see the unending power and goodness of Christ within me and the truth of His Word all around me I am no longer male or female, white or black, young or old, But bought at the highest price and no longer my own I now call myself after my master, Christian He that I may serve and in so doing be free from my most eternal enemy, myself And as the road goes ever on and on, And I stumble along the way, from time to time And as I return to the foot of the cross each day And learn again why I cannot master myself And I realize each time more and more How amazing was that grace that saved a wretch like me ==== Spirits Follow ==== Alone in a crowd All cramped in a tiny room Locked in from without All I could see is red Shivering in torment Like a doomed soul Baptized in hellfire Will they ever let me out? Alone in my bed All warm and well fed A dark cloud rises from the vents And shakes the window My soul shivers And I lay motionless A wicked voice whispers My worst fears There is a danger that is greater than death There is a fear greater than going mad There are times when you wish you could hide Under the shadow of the Lord There is a way that you could escape If you locate your enemy Left hand betraying the right Your heart revealed secrets to your mind A dislocated soul And a warped spiritual dimension What sword can penetrate to the heart Dividing the bone from the marrow? Fighting for peace Is a delicate struggle When your home is booby trapped And your foe looks like your friend Nothing is sacred And you are never really alone ==== After All These Years ==== The fight is still in me And I still remember Dreams of success Adventure and excitement What is easy to forget Is the training The pain and the struggle To build strength of mind and body I still focus on the result But the process is equally important A soldier struggles in each task Of his necessary skills The most important ones Are the least glamorous The hardest ones He forgets easiest The ones he never did Are recalled most often I can imagine parachuting Over hostile territory But the voice of the drill sergeant Continues to fade over time My protective mask Is not my greatest defense Now I rely on freedom of religion And the uselessness of my work I am still a soldier But my pictures are my rifle And my words are my bayonet I am determined to build my body To the level of my mind But I now know That it is equally hard As the piles of books I struggled to understand There will be years of work And I will fail for most of it But one day Everything will come together And I will be stronger To face my greatest enemy My paranoid mind And deluded consciousness ==== The Forest ==== My time in the forest was predestined There was a reason for my forest years But I was not cheated And was not a victim of a petty game The forest is a time of building character And learning life lessons I learned new ways to fight I found weapons more powerful than a pen The forest is filed with trials and traps Mine were paranoid and obsessive compulsive I feared things that are irrational And was obsessed with the least important I learned that play is as important as work And that relationships with people are as important as ideas I learned that I can survive things Most people will never have to go through The only way to learn is trial by fire And the only way to live is with wisdom God watches over me As I am one of His children And is ever ready especially in the deep forest When it is common for the details to be violent To help my character As He writes the story of my life With special powers I can do more good The special power I want is to be normal But unlike the epic hero My forest journey is always with me Because it is a part of who I am And I am willing to go the distance With my tribulations If I can learn from each challenge So that I suffer less each time == 2.3 Having Schizophrenia == === 2.3.1 Introduction === Dealing with Paranoid Schizophrenia Schizophrenia is a disease that encompasses a wide range of different problems, like the disease Cancer. Not all people with Schizophrenia hear voices or have paranoia. Paranoid Schizophrenia is the worst, by far. Schizophrenia is caused by a stressful event, which is most often caused by the military, but only in people who have a genetic predisposition to the disease, which is hereditary, occurring usually only once in a generation. Drugs do not cause Schizophrenia, but can make it worse and harder to diagnose. Schizophrenia is caused by the brain not developing normally in adolescents. It affects the frontal lobe which is responsible for fear, anger, and other primordial emotions. Men usually get diagnosed in their 20s and women in their 30s. The illness is generally not caught until there is a paranoid episode and medicine is usually not started until a (non-violent) crime is committed, as it is hard for a person to accept that they are out of their mind. Staying on the medicine regularly is the key to living a semi normal life. 1/3 of people with Schizophrenia just stare at a wall all day, one third are semi-independent, and 1/3 are almost fully independent. There is a similar disorder that is less disabling called Schizoeffective disorder and people who have this disorder are often under the false impression that they have Schizophrenia plus Mania or Depression, and that they have a tougher time than people who ”just” have Schizophrenia. This is not true. Schizophrenia as a whole is much more severe than Schizoeffective disorder and Paranoid Schizophrenia is the most disabling mental illness, by a long shot. Many people also are difficult to diagnose, because they have taken drugs before to self medicate. Also, many psychologists or counselor diagnose people and often give incorrect labels, because they are not qualified to diagnose. To diagnose, you must be a psychiatrist, not a psychologist. A psychologist or counselor may have anywhere between a one year certificate to a doctorate in psychology. Most have a bachelors or a masters degree. A psychiatrist has a full doctorate in medicine, plus a doctorate in psychology, plus an internship, etc. Most psychologists have no training in mental illness at all. I have Paranoid Schizophrenia and that is what 3 independent psychiatrists diagnosed me with, all whose interest would be best served if they didn’t diagnose me. Those who diagnosed me were: the admitting psychiatrist for a mental ward of a local private hospital, one working for the Social Security Administration and one working for the Veterans Administration. It cost them all a lot of money for their organizations to diagnose me, so my case is very well founded. Also, no one who was qualified to diagnose me ever thought I could have any disorder other than Paranoid Schizophrenia and I have never been diagnosed as anything else. The first thing to get started, after being diagnosed with any major mental illness, is the medicine. This is even more true for Schizophrenia. There is no cure yet for Schizophrenia and it cannot be treated effectively by religion, diet, herbs, meditation or counseling alone or in combination. The primary treatment for Schizophrenia is a tranquilizer (also known as a sedative). The discovery was made in the early 50s that tranquilizers would blunt the voices, delusions, and paranoia. Many people do not want to take the medicine, because of the negative side effects. This medicine causes tremendous and rapid weight gain almost always, as it numbs the nerves in the stomach, so you never feel full no matter how much you eat. Many people feel less creative with the medicine and feel that it is given just to get the person to follow orders better. The medicine can also cause diabetes, due to the high weight gain. The medicine also make people very tired and that is why many people who have Schizophrenia drink large amounts of coffee and other caffeinated beverages and smoke cigarettes. There are some other common symptoms to Schizophrenia, that the experts have not been able to pin down to the illness or the medicine. These symptoms include: depression, lack of motivation, difficulty concentrating, difficulty with short term memory, lack of appropriate facial expressions, lack of emotion, etc. These are the most disabling aspects of Schizophrenia, for most people. The other negative aspect is that most people with Schizophrenia receive money from Social Security Administration, which is much less than minimum wage and so they are often the victims of crime. It is also hard for people with Schizophrenia to make friends. Although it is common that someone is not treated, until they commit a minor crime like vandalism or stealing, people with Schizophrenia are not any more likely to commit violent crimes than anyone else. I have never committed any crimes. Although medicine is the primary treatment, secondary treatments help with some of the other symptoms that are often the most disabling for people living with Schizophrenia. Some of these secondary treatments include revealed religions, especially Christianity, as it offers the most comfort and has the least amount of obligations of these religions. Counseling can be helpful, especially as obsessive compulsive behaviors/addictions are common with people who have a mental illness. I have never taken any drugs. Another good secondary treatment is to find a hobby or something constructive to do. Some people, who have Schizophrenia, can work a part time job. === 2.3.2 Breakdown === ==== Jesus Won Paranoid Episode ==== I had been having some problems with spiritual warfare. I had written some stories that I merged my life with Middle Earth. I accidentally put myself under a Witchcraft spell. I walked out of my house that day with my Army jacket. I was ready for warfare. I rushed around downtown. I dropped off my books, that were loading me down in my pack, by the side of the street and an angel flew off with it. I went to the Church and knelt down before the crucifix and prayed to God to spare me. I took my web site off line with the offensive material. I saw ”Jesus loves you” engraved in the side of the street that I didn’t see before or afterwards. I saw a double rainbow when I went home. I made an altar out of our fireplace. I piled in it all my Buddhist, Feminist, and Atheistic books and lit it on fire. I kept loading books in for several hours. Some that I was unsure about I took to the fire place and, if they survived the flames, I kept them. I tore down the Buddhist goddess of mercy down from the wall and our black cat meowed out side. He was in cohorts with the Devil. I threw in the plastic snake in the fire and commanded evil out in Jesus name and turned my back to the altar. I laid on my bed and weeped for the suffering of the Church during the tribulation. I saw a vision of Star Trek as the future. I started singing ”Joy to the World” as my eyes were moisturized with my tears. My eyes had hurt for 3 1/2 years before. They needed the salt they weren’t getting from flushing them out several times a day for that time. I looked down at my Bible. It was the Parallel New Testament. We were in a parallel time kept that way by people making the Bible into too many versions. My parents put out the food for the homeless for the postman to deliver. They spoke to me in code that I was the homeless person this Christmas. I walked out of the house when my parents left. I stood on the porch walking back and forth. The radio dial spun out of control. Many years now went by. I stood on the porch, until my parents came back. I saw them come back with the dog. I had to decide whether I was going to go out and marry my friend’s sister or go down to the Church to pray. I looked at my bank receipt and then put it in my pocket. I knew when I took it out again there would be enough for my marriage. I headed down the grocery store to buy a paper and look for a job. The paper had on it the story of how the world fell apart. Only Eugene and Springfield were left. On the front page, they said we decided not to hire you (I had been interning down at the Comic News). I went down to the corner and saw the number to the Comic News on a sign. I tried to hang myself on the sign. I was unworthy. I saw the parents of my friend whose sister I was going to marry aged years and they drove off angrily when they saw me. I should have gone down to marry her. I walked along the sidewalk. I knew I couldn’t go back home. Everyone had banned Christians from their houses. I looked for a sign. I picked up a wooden sign that said ”777 indoor sale”. It was a secret code. I covered up the Bible so the devil didn’t know about the parallel time as I walked along. I got on the bus. I shared to them that I was a Christian and I was kicked off the bus with a scornful look. I saw the devil car pass by, all red with antenna on the top, like horns. I turned aside and continued quickly. I continued up to the church. I stopped, where two ladies were talking. All men were now kicked out of their houses. The world was controlled by radical feminists. I asked them, if I could go in where it was warm. I told them I was the prostitute. I asked if they were Christians. One lady tried to trick me into thinking that I should go to Eugene to the Mission. The other who was Christian told me there was a Bible study at the Church. It was the only one left. The other church had slipped into just doing good works and lost their faith. I came to the Church and I started to read my Bible. I sat with my back to the world so no one could see the Bible. I picked a version and read it all the way through the book of John. It sounded a lot like Revelations. I was going to wait 3 1/2 years feeding off the Bible for food. I would have to wait for my sister as the only other Christian on earth. As I prayed I turned and saw the sky change color and sunlight came out and I was warm. I was happy once I finished reading the Bible and knew things were ok. Everyone was racing into the city as they had been racing out before. Everyone was relieved. God played jokes on me with the signs to relax me. I was too tense. As I walked by now with the wooden sign up for everyone to see I smiled and yelled out ”777 Jesus won”. A motorcycle gang fled from me as I walked by with the police following them. The same police I heard before. I returned to the store and picked up a copy of the newspaper. I showed a woman everything happened like in the paper. I also offered one to one of the bikers. I went back home and picked up the mail. All the letters were filled with the number 7. I went down to my friends house and dropped off the newspaper and the jam for the homeless person. I was accepted into the American Legion. As I walked down Main Street I noticed that the wind had blown away large clumps of trees and trash. The city was being cleaned up and there were red bows on all the city for me. I was welcome at any hotel. I saw my parents and they picked me up. ==== Poetry ==== ===== My Breakdown ===== At the end of the winter semester I had an emotional breakdown I thought I was dealing With spiritual warfare I tore up my copy of the Second Sex And I burned a bunch of my books I thought I was a prophet And ended up in the local Private hospital’s mental ward I tried to take courses that Spring After I was released for several months In programming and social science But that didn’t work out I started reading philosophy again Starting with Existentialism And Zen Buddhism Along the way I spent about a year in a group home With 8 other mentally ill men I spent a couple years in a retirement home And had in home care a number of years I now am completely independent ===== Descent into Madness ===== I now know the horrors exist That are worse than we can imagine I am now in constant pain I carry in my eyes the unquenchable fire The one that never stops burning I am injured beyond repair But my country says its not that bad I cannot study for long Nor can I concentrate I manage to pass enough classes By learning quickly and a good memory I try to meet others But I am too tired to extend myself No one will hire me Except for a phone survey place I cannot work with chemicals My eyes burn even worse in their presence My paranoia continues to grow I think I am growing a third eye Spiritual warfare seems to make sense But I end up in the hospital And the doors lock behind me I am now in Hell again But only my mind burns I cannot escape But time passes by more quickly I move out to the outside room And am allowed to have some freedom I go home And continue to sleep for long time periods I struggle to get on my own And get acknowledged that I am ill I struggle to read again And am finally able to write again ===== Schizophrenia ===== When school let out that winter I thought I was wrestling with Spiritual warfare But as I found myself In the mental ward of a local hospital I knew I was having emotional problems I didn’t know until a month later That I had Schizophrenia My parents came to see my all day long But I only remember them Coming in the evening I was explaining trigonometry We were all afraid of one of the guys He was big and not very nice And he controlled the TV I remember how excited we got When we realized we could order More than one of the food items To one of the residents My pastor came to see me And said he could get me out I knew better for some reason I was so excited to leave the first room Which they called Hell And to go out into the next area In the hospital ward I remember we got to do Group activities there One guy showed me how to dance I was hyper-religious According to my psychiatrist Who kept asking me if I heard voices He didn’t introduce himself So it was a few days later Before I realized he was my doctor I remember how hard it was to sleep The dementia patients next door Kept screaming all night To get out I had to under go an MRI Which was very scary for me But my mom was there for me And I was given a mirror So I could see out When I left the hospital I watched TV most of the day And I slept a lot too I finally decided to read and write Which was very difficult at first I was only able to Write after 4 months It was hard for me To even ride across town At first I remember when I got back From the hospital I threw out Everything sharp in my room I was afraid to be alone For several months I started attending A local recreation group For the mentally ill I also worked on learning Javascript And eventually started On my website again ===== Total Isolation ===== When you are committed Even when voluntarily There is no escape From the terror Your days pass by With hours of no memory The pain takes weeks To lessen noticeably You must stay in Hell And there is no quick way out You are not informed of your rights But it would not matter You still could never understand You are not in your right mind The doctor controls your fate You can be sent to the state hospital And never be released Or get out in a couple weeks You have no choice What really scares you Are others like yourself You are all in the same boat You cannot get out Until you are scanned You are crammed into A small tunnel And you cannot leave Until they are done You cannot see out And they cannot give you Enough tranquilizers to calm you You want to return to normal But you cannot work For at least a year Or you will never get Your state pension You have to wait another year For low income housing If you are lucky You have family Who can and will take you in And who will do your paperwork None of it starts until You know about it and register If you live on the street You are stuck being homeless And there is little hope Of being able to get out ===== Group Home ===== That fall I entered A group home I shared the house With 8 other men With mental illnesses And there was a staff person There at all times They basically ignored us We had to clean and cook All by ourselves There was no help in this They just required that we did this The TV was always on VH1 And we had to leave the house For at least 1 hour at 11am I started volunteering At a local Internet Service Provider Doing tech support I also volunteered at a local music hall Taking tickets and checking IDs We had to be in By a certain time each night And had to stay inside until A certain time in the morning They wouldn’t let me go to bed Before a certain time And I had to get up by a certain time The reason why I was here Was because I started out with only 200 and some dollars a month From the state agency And this was the only place that would take me I visited my mom once a week She was on the other side of town And I got 20 dollars a week from her Which I spent mostly on books I kept writing poetry and reading Mostly about Buddhism at this point And I continued to work on the website I started on a new medicine Which made me less tired When I was on the previous medicine If I didn’t fight to stay awake I would always be asleep Then my money came in From the Veterans And I moved into my own apartment === 2.3.3 Limitations === ==== Articles ==== ===== What is it like? ===== What is it like to not have control of your mind - to lay awake at night afraid of things that will never happen - to believe that your loved ones are against you - to not know the difference between what is fact and what is fiction - to fear the police will arrest you for how you were born - to not be able to handle the stress of meetings - to not be able to be consistently on time - to not be able to sit through a play or a movie - to find it stressful to listen to music - to not have the motivation to take care of yourself - to have to rely on others for your income? ===== Thought Control ===== I am very self-reflective and find meaning in every part of life. But I am not just a philosopher because many of my thoughts are not rational and I do not have control over my thoughts. I keep busy to distract myself from voices and paranoia. Quiet times like when I fall asleep at night are when my paranoia and voices are the most intense. When someone makes a comment in general and it could apply to me, I take it as a personal attack as I am suspicious that others are against me. It is impossible for me to still my mind enough to meditate. ===== Daily Activities ===== Not only do I not have control over my thoughts, but I find it impossible to take care of the daily activities that are necessary to survive in the modern world. I understand technology, philosophy, and can write and draw on a level that few can surpass, but I can’t wash my clothes once a week, clean my bathroom, recycle, or show up at a set time. The modern world is based on the clock and on facts and that is how we deal with other people in our society. This is completely foreign to my way of thinking. ===== Responses ===== I developed my own subculture, as I was unable to find my place in society. Basically, I have to find time to rest in order to deal with my illness, to avoid going back to the hospital. But even the rest can cause me mental pain: paranoia and auditory hallucinations. It would be good for me to have more interactions with people, as they help bring me into the modern world, but they also cause me a great deal of paranoia and many things they carelessly say cause me to suffer mentally. ===== Schizophrenia ===== This is the situation I am in, and modern science calls it Schizophrenia. I am very intelligent and good at writing and being creative, but this has nothing to do with Schizophrenia. Is a person with diabetes any different except for their illness? I am no different in that way too. I know many other people who have Schizophrenia and they are no more or less intelligent or think differently than anybody else. Schizophrenia is a broad term like cancer where many different illnesses fall under the same umbrella. Some people with Schizophrenia can complete distance education or work a part time job, but I cannot. My main obstacle is dealing with time and facts - dealing with other people and taking care of my basic needs. ===== Why Cows? ===== Cows have been abused throughout history for labor, meat, milk, leather, and manure. The related words in Chinese are ”jail” and ”complain.” ===== Discrimination of the Mentally Ill ===== I identify with cows because I am mentally ill. The mentally ill have been the most targeted group of people for persecution, discrimination, marginalization, segregation, isolation, and more. Even as late as the 50’s people were locked up for being mentally ill and even today they still receive electroshock therapy against their will. ===== Personal Discrimination ===== I have been denied several volunteer jobs because they knew I was mentally ill although definitely qualified and have no criminal record nor have ever been institutionalized, I have not received federally mandated equal access to education which my only request that required effort from the instructor was oral test or test by paper, I have not been given a case worker because the county did not have any more available although I qualified, as a veteran I still have to travel hundreds of miles for dental treatment and have to pay for many medical expenses upfront, and to even get my disability I had to wait a year and a half which is not uncommon which if I worked in that time I would be disqualified, and I was not told about services available in my community and had to find them on my own. ===== Son of Strength ===== I have developed the idea of raising the bar, once I reach the level that was once my goal, for a higher goal and then on and on until I die. I think I reached rock bottom recently. I have developed the ability to understand philosophy despite having Schizophrenia and with it the near impossibility of understanding abstract thought. Based on this insight, I surmised that I could do the same thing with my physical body. I would strengthen my will to the point that I could force my body to do what it couldn’t physically much as Special Forces do. The problem is that in the Special Forces, when the training is done, that at some point the service member gets to rest. They don’t tire out the service members to the point that they have no energy, before they drop them onto classified missions. So for me to assume that I could will myself into mastering my body is a flawed assertion at best. But that was very arrogant to assume that I could reach that level of intensity, without having even attempting that kind of training. Anyway, when I came back from my run, which I was able to push myself past more pain than I was able to do in any of my cross country running, I tasted blood in my lungs and at the point when I got back to my retirement center, one of the managers thought I was having a heart attack. This showed me that I need to slow down and be aware that although I can dream of saving the world, I do not have the energy to. In addition to never being able to feel fully rested no matter how much sleep I have had, I can’t push past it with greater mental strength, as I don’t even have the control over my mind as a normal person does. What the Apostle Paul said in Romans is at the heart of (Christian) Existentialism. We cannot do what we want to. We are not strong enough mentally to reach our goals. We must leave saving the world to God and just help in small ways or else we will not survive long enough to see the fruits of our efforts. I have finally realized that having Schizophrenia is not just a mental illness; it is a physical one as well. If your medicine is being effective on giving you some control of your thoughts, then you will have no energy to do anything. I have recently arrived at the conclusion that the increased suffering of the world recently is the direct fault of Christians not following what God has called them to do, and in response to the fact and because I am in the wealthiest nation on the earth and because of my gifts of intelligence and creativity that I should be able to make a measurable dent in the amount of suffering that the sentient beings of the earth must feel. But the problem is I don’t have the strength to have the reach that I believe I should have. Many of the problems of the world, if they are to be solved by people, need more resources than I have been given. I will just have to accept that there is some reason that God is allowing this to happen by conscious choice alone. I have had to struggle with whether to say I believe that God raised Jesus from the dead and that he was both man and God or that that is a fact. I have recently come to understand that belief is stronger than facts. Similarly to how I said when we had to mark opinion as false and fact as true that opinions could be truths but facts are not consequential enough to be truths. So it shows more certainty to say that I believe in Heaven and Hell than to say flatly that there is a Heaven and Hell and that is the truth whether you agree with it or not you will go to one, because of course its true to the limits of my knowledge which is all I can guarantee by saying it is the truth, but to say I believe something to be true means that I haven’t just proved it intellectually, but it is so true that I risk eternity on it. ==== Poetry ==== ===== Frustration ===== Struggling to lift the heavy lids My eyes burst open And I stagger to the other room With immense effort I live in a dream within a dream My paranoia within God’s thoughts My will is strong And my spirit unbreakable But my mind only controls Some of my thoughts And my body is weak And continually asleep My burden is not light As Jesus said for those Who walk with Him And its shadow is ever before me When your mind cannot cease From racing at full speed And your body is heavily sedated Everything is a battle of will And your spirit pushes your body My heart is pressed on all sides By my unquenchable emotions And unmovable flesh But my heart is still wild and unwavering How will I complete the contest? How many years will this situation last? When you are dead tired And you are nowhere near the finish You must slow down and keep going When you would much rather lie down and die How will I summon the energy Without the strength of mind or body? Will I be able to survive by spirit alone? Do I know how to achieve solely by will? Each day we wake up and begin Before even thinking about “what next? ” But at night we worry over What has and hasn’t happened If only my spirit could know the rhythm And my will the attitude That can harmonize with the Way And outlast the disease We can only hope And pray without ceasing ===== Naked Mind ===== Like a devout monk My mind operates In transparency and nakedness As there are no obstructions Between me and my feelings For others they see life Through filters To keep their minds From every emotion That flies by For me I am naked And there is not Even a thin white robe Between me And the thoughts That race by I feel deeply about injustice And people hurting others For any reason I struggle to be balanced And to keep my mind clear Of the paranoid conclusions My mind makes from Reflection on the situation I have to guard my mind consciously As the normal controls and safeguards Are not present === 2.3.4 Religion === ==== Frustration ==== Struggling to lift the heavy lids My eyes burst open And I stagger to the other room With immense effort I live in a dream within a dream My paranoia within God’s thoughts My will is strong And my spirit unbreakable But my mind only controls Some of my thoughts And my body is weak And continually asleep My burden is not light As Jesus said for those Who walk with Him And its shadow is ever before me When your mind cannot cease From racing at full speed And your body is heavily sedated Everything is a battle of will And your spirit pushes your body My heart is pressed on all sides By my unquenchable emotions And unmovable flesh But my heart is still wild and unwavering How will I complete the contest? How many years will this situation last? When you are dead tired And you are nowhere near the finish You must slow down and keep going When you would much rather lie down and die How will I summon the energy Without the strength of mind or body Will I be able to survive by spirit alone? Do I know how to achieve solely by will? Each day we wake up and begin Before even thinking ”what next? ” But at night we worry over What has and hasn’t happened If only my spirit could know the rhythm And my will the attitude That can harmonize with the Way And outlast this disease We can only hope And pray without ceasing ==== FAQs ==== ===== Is there an effective treatment of Schizophrenia without medication? ===== Schizophrenia was not treated effectively by society until anti-psychotic drugs were created from sedatives in the late 1950’s. The medication has been modified to remove most of the sedating attributes by the first part of the 21st century, so that many people with Schizophrenia are able to live outside institutions. Anti-psychotic medications are able to blunt the effects of paranoia, delusions, and hallucinations enough, so that people can distinguish between them and reality. But there is not a medication that will completely eliminate those symptoms or the lethargy that comes either from the mental illness or as a side effect of the medication. To help deal with remaining symptoms, religion in moderation can be helpful. Religion can provide stability, answers, and useful ideas for secondary treatments. ===== Why is religion rejected by psychologists in their treating mental illness? ===== Many hallucinations, paranoid thoughts, and delusions have religious components to them and sometimes the rituals of religion can contribute to Obsessive Compulsive behaviors. This shows that there is a relationship between religion and mental illness, but it doesn’t mean that religion in all its aspects does nothing but hinder the treatment of Schizophrenia. ===== Can an atheist apply ideas from religion into their treatment? ===== One of the reasons why I incorporate Chinese philosophy into my treatment of Schizophrenia, is because although the Bible tells a person how to live ethically and how to have an appropriate relationship with God, it doesn’t tell you everything you ever need to know. Not all problems are entirely spiritually based. A person can definitely learn how to think rationally without using the Bible, but to get the full comfort from religion, faith is a vital component. === 2.3.5 Counseling === ==== The Appointment, an Epic Poem ==== ===== Waiting ===== I walk in and sit down I am there a half hour early I pull out my magazine I finish it in ten minutes I began to think My mind starts to wander off How will I interpret the psy babble? How will I stupefy my ideas? I keep looking up As I hear what could be sounds Will he repeat the same ideas again Or will I get some gem of useful thinking? A calm passes over me I can survive without him The room is cool And it is bright outside What a nice day It took me an hour to get here I had to take the bus Then walk a half a mile It is always easy to think on the bus When people aren’t making annoying sounds And walking always makes me feel good At first, before I start questioning my every action Last night it took a while to fall asleep But it was early when I laid down I woke up early and still felt tired The sun wasn’t even out yet I watched some news I looked up - I missed the sunrise I remember now about my chi I wonder if he will like that It must seem strange to a doctor How people could know so much before science How they used food for medicine How doctors eventually became politicians And how complex the diagnosis could be When everything boiled down to either yin or yang ===== Preparation ===== Good - he’s not in the office yet Don’t need another one of those So much paper work I wonder if I really need to give him this test Like I’m going to come up with a different diagnosis I wish I could get this damn computer to work I guess I’ll have to call the maintenance guy tonight No test today, I guess Is my tie straight? He probably doesn’t even care Where is my coffee? I guess I’ll have to call up my receptionist Bring me up my cappuccino! Thanks Will I take wifey out to the opera tonight? I hope I still have the tickets She probably already found them And has bought a new dress for it I can finally sit down Gee that was a long weekend Why does my daughter always ask for money Right at first? I wonder what job she will get with a major in dance And when will she actually start She is going to be 25 before she starts again At this rate I forgot to polish my shoes Not again! I hope I get some wealthy clients When I can only charge them 100 an hour I can barely pay for my SUV And second home on the beach I think I hear the client I should greet him No, that would be unprofessional Come in, now I’m ready to see you ===== Hot and Cold ===== Like the crests of the ocean waves My emotions rose and fell As he tried to comprehend my ideas And I sought to apply his suggestions Like the calm of the lake I kept an inner confidence Not merely a master of intellectual wit But one who has the benefit of powerful experiences Like a river high in the mountains I am always near my source Speaking rapidly and in sudden bursts I exude a passion for my case Like a salmon tasting sea water for the first time I interpret my background in new ways Each sentence never spoken before Each thought given a new life And each idea connected differently Than even the session before Like the taste of French fries The conversation had a familiar flavor Addictive and satisfying There was a depth opened up by a true desire The darkness clear as day By the light of knowledge And a peace illuminated The mystery of the night For in the middle of my winter I burned inside like an ember Like the heat of the midday sun Blood hot and palms sweaty This was another time Where I was really there In the heat of the conversation From my heart came laughter And I was truly happy A cold resilience And a warm character Both analytical and creative I seemed unsure of which direction Should I go A deep set fear and a hearty laugh Each aspect showed up the other ===== Black and White ===== My voice soft and child like My inexperience showed through Like my bright blue bow tie And my beaming smile I was outspoken and competent But inside I felt to soft and easily swayed I try hard to not be self-conscious To be nothing if not proud Of my pear shaped figure And my big feet Black and white Red and blue I am consoling yet firm Sympathetic yet bold What am I to make Of this deafening quiet And silent screams With each word I say He expands to a paragraph With each inflection of my voice His mind is stirred He is interesting and dynamic Trapped yet freeing others What can I say To one who already has the answers? If he could just listen to himself And remember my main point That it is not a race for an answer But rather a way of sitting Not a method of thinking But a way of seeing A new twist on his broad background An open window into his soul A silence in his racing mind A soft touch with a strong hand Something to blend the fire and water That consumes his heart and mind ==== Other Poetry ==== ===== Taming the Mind ===== Waves lap at the edge of my mind The interior is a vast expanse of sand Torn by raging waters And rugged mountain peaks It is anything but calm This is not the sound of silence Messages fly like carrier pigeons Familiar with the terrain The ravens out fly the pigeons The buzzards peck at the fallen ones Overgrown brush covers the mountains And the ocean is covered in algae Voices from far away echo off the mountains Voices from within get muffled by the vegetation Dark clouds cover the sky And settle down like a mist over the rivers Lightning bolts across the sky And knocks the ravens dead in their tracks Stunned, they fall below And become entangled in the flora A thought travels across the expanse Self awareness occurs Swift and majestic an eagle soars Crying out thoughts from the heart The mist lifts and little villages become visible The people burn back the overgrowth Fish team up in the ocean and finish off the algae The waves subside and gently rock the fishermen’s boats The people build roads that connect the villages They send out horses to hurry the mail along Farms now occupy the land where there once was desert The rivers are directed to irrigate the land The natural chaos is contained and settled Their is freedom from random deaths Each thought now travels in a caravan With guards patrolling all sides The eagles still patrol the skies And the buzzards clean up the fallen ravens The inhabitants for now have tamed the land But whenever the sky becomes dark They remember what it was like to be isolated and alone ===== Heaven and Earth ===== There is a rhythm that exists Deep inside your spirit When all you hear is breathing And your mind is all alone Thoughts take flight And you see nothing Returning the power to Heaven And the ten thousand things Follow your mind Liberation is a subtlety And freedom comes from control The hierarchy reflects nature And the order is transparent Within an instant Everything fades away The mind is ruler And the body follows When the mind is empty The body is fully alert With each breath Heaven takes more territory And the Earth longs For heaven’s leadership A unity exists When Heaven is patriarch And his rule is sage-like And shows perspective The Way leads to your heart And is illuminated by your breath Heaven leads the Way And each member settles in For a long peace And a stable rule The Way is narrow When your mind is a casualty of war It broadens As Heaven is seated on your throne ==== My Experiences with the Mental Health Establishment ==== ===== Not a Good Day ===== June 6th, 2006 Today was not a good day. I was the victim of an abusive mental health worker. I have experienced the same thing, with many other people, who work with the mentally ill. They assume that they are always right and the consumer is always wrong. I continue to have to hold my tong and not say how I feel out of fear of retaliation, but they say whatever they feel like, regardless of my feelings and no ones stands up for me. The workers bring up very divisive topics, like politics and religion, and usually say some very negative things about Christianity. Then, when I try to respond, they say I can’t talk about religion or politics. Basically, they are saying only their opinion counts. What I believe is not important, because I was born different than them. I was even told be one of the managers that I know more about mental illness than they do. ===== Typical Conversation ===== ”What is Buddhism all about? ” Aside: I only have time for a one sentence answer, but I won’t communicate that to you ”Well, first of all, Buddhism is a form of atheism and is nihilistic. In Buddhism all deities are illusions and...” Aside: Why are they giving me a blank stare? They must not comprehend, but are unwilling to ask the needed question. ”I need help with my VCR; you are good with computers” Aside: I don’t understand him but I don’t want to look stupid, so I am just going to cut him off, in mid-sentence. ”Actually I don’t know much about VCRs. What is your problem? ” ”I can’t get the TV back on.” ”Just hit the input button or tv/video button several times, until you see the TV show.” ”I don’t know how to do that.” Aside: I am not really listening to you because I don’t want to learn how to do anything new. I would rather depend on other people, to fix my problems for me. ”I can hit the button for you then, but watch so you can do it next time.” Aside: I just explained it to you. I guess you weren’t even listening. ”I am so busy with work that I need you to do that for me, but I won’t be around.” Aside: I have no intention of doing that. That would be learning and that scares me. ”Ok.” Aside: I wonder what she does at work. All I see her do is talk to the her co-workers and play games on the computer ===== Resolution ===== I am no longer going to answer any questions about philosophy to anyone who hasn’t first read through Philosophy Core curriculum and answered the questions at the end. Then after looking at the answers, I can tell if they are serious about studying philosophy. Then I will have them read books from the Recommended Reading List and I will answer questions about the books, only after they have read them. The Philosophy Core is based on my reading from 165 mostly classical philosophical texts and my conversations with people of various levels of education over a period of 7 years. I have finally simplified and explained it to the point, that if a person cannot understand it, they are most likely not making the effort, second most likely, they need to learn how to read better, or else they don’t have the ability (the third possibility is very rare). = Chapter 3 = '''Book of Psychology''' by Ben Huot == 3.1 Personal Psychological Issues == === 3.1.1 My Biggest Flaws === ==== Negative Effects ==== I just had an insight tonight that the source of most the things that bother me and stress me out are based on two aspects of my personality: I am both impatient and a perfectionist, but not in just the ordinary sense - I take these to the utmost extremes. The most likely cause of being a perfectionist comes from my experiences in the military and my impatience is related to my mental illness. One of the reasons why it took me so long to figure this out is because I can easily get into an endless loop trying to deal with these problems, especially if I think I need to do it all right away and perfectly. ==== Positive Effects ==== I think some of the positive side effects of my biggest flaws are that I am very disciplined and passionate about whatever I set my mind to. I never do anything part way or put something important off to the next day. Another things that drives me even further into this mode of thinking is that I believe that society will likely fall apart soon and the people I meet on a daily basis are so lazy and apathetic. === 3.1.2 How the Army Changed Me === ==== My Life Started Over ==== The Army changed my life, so much, that I consider my life to have started over again, when I joined the military. Serving in the Army changed my perspective on life. I became much more serious, risk adverse, confident, paid more attention to detail, learned about the importance of the labor movement, decided I never wanted to be a leader, and I learned more about the way the world worked. ==== Never Could Relax ==== The military was not all bad, but I was constantly under tremendous stress, as I never got enough sleep, during training and I never felt I could relax. The military has much higher standards, than the rest of the world. They perform duties that, if done wrong, kill a great number of people. ==== Results of Losing Wars ==== Losing wars is a big deal and the US can lose its position, as a superpower, partially, by losing wars. Europe has had to join together, to compete with the US, Brazil, Russia, India, China, and Japan, because of almost destroying itself, in two world wars and then a decades long cold war. ==== The Gas Chamber ==== After I joined the military, I realized that I was taking a bigger risk than I had previously known. I wasn’t afraid of dying or of bullets, but I was scared of the idea of being burned alive, which is very common nowadays. We all had to go through a gas chamber, with very highly concentrated and higher strength tear gas and then take our a protective masks off, for 5 minutes, while in there. It felt to me like my eyes and lungs were on fire and I was drowning in fire. It is one of the most painful experiences I have had. ==== Contemporary Use of Chemical Weapons ==== I had asked my recruiter specifically about poison gas and if it was commonly used against us, but he said that no on uses it now. He was an Army Ranger, so he knew enough to know that wasn’t true. It is true that chemical weapons are banned in warfare, by the Geneva Conventions, but the governments we fight wars against almost always have either never signed the Geneva Conventions, or if they have, they have no intention of following them. ==== Protection from Chemical Weapons ==== During both Iraqi wars, the military was sure they would be gassed, even though they had taken some extreme tactics, to keep them from happening. The protective gear is not very sophisticated, but it does work, if sealed up properly, against a number of different poisonous gases. We are trained in this, in Basic Training, as well as, how to administer shots, to counter the effects, of nerve agents. The real money is spent on very sophisticated sensors. ==== Avoiding Chemical Weapons Use ==== During the first war in Iraq, the president communicated to the Iraqi leadership, that it would use nukes, against Iraq, if it used poisonous gas, on US troops. During the second war, special agents went in beforehand and found the leaders responsible, for releasing chemical weapons, and told them they would be leaders in the new government, if they didn’t release the poisonous gas, but if they did, they would be tried for war crimes. ==== Military Legal System ==== The laws are much more severe in the military. For example, you can go to prison, for committing adultery and be killed, for raping someone. You also get in trouble, with the local laws, in the place, where you committed the crime, as well. You can even get in trouble, for being a few minutes late to formation, or having food in your locker. ==== The Article 15 ==== A First Sergeant can give you an Article 15, for something, as little as, not dropping for push-ups, when a Sergeant orders you to. When you get an Article 15, you are given additional chores, to do, for 2-4 hours a day, after all your regular wok and get a few hundred dollars, taken out of your small paycheck. This idea that the military commits all sort of terrible crimes and soldiers get a way with it is not my experience at all, but high ranking officers may be able to get around the rules. ==== Always on Call ==== People who have never served in the military do not know this, but your enlistment in the military is not a 9 to 5 job. You can and will be taken away from your free time, for anything that your unit’s leaders want you to do. It isn’t just in time of war. or even for a good reason. It is not at convenient times that they call on you and you never get extra pay for it. ==== Pressures of an NCO ==== One of the big reasons it is so hard, to get qualified people, to serve a second enlistment in the Army is that you have to commit to being an NCO (like a Sergeant in the Army), for a small amount more pay, and then are solely and completely responsible, for 4-8 other soldiers. If they need to lose weight, you make sure they do so, in your free time. If they cannot get to work on time, it is your job to make sure they do so, in your free time. ==== Increased Confidence ==== Now that I have gone through such intense training, I feel much more confident, about things that would have previously scared me. My tolerance for pain has increased, as well. I now can push myself, to the point of a heart attack, while exercising, because I have been through much more pain, in the past. I am not afraid of getting into a fight, with a person or an animal. I am not afraid of having to survive, without modern plumbing, electricity, police, and fire services. I am still afraid of going to prison, but that is just commons sense. I gained my confidence with computers, at this time, as well. === 3.1.3 Why I Never Gave Up === ==== I am Complex ==== Many people wonder why I have committed, so many years to creating, what has now evolved, into many books. The answer is long and complex, as I am a complex person. First of all, the idea that I didn’t give up is not true: I ended my military service before my tour enlistment was up and I never graduated from college. ==== I Did Fail ==== What interested me in philosophy at the time was Philosophical Taoism and Christian Existentialism. I was taking a Chinese Literature course, for my non-business breadth requirement, along with Chinese (which I had to drop out, of as they went too fast) and then because I did not pass enough classes, I had to take summer courses and Existentialism was one of the only courses still open. ==== I Identified with Philosophy ==== Taoism was a tradition in China that scholars became part of, if the failed their public service exam, which was based on writing poetry about Confucianism. Since I failed in both the military and college, I could identify with Taoism. When I took my Existentialism class, I realized that I had always been an Existentialist. Both of these philosophies emphasized humility and what I hated most was arrogance, so it was a natural fit. ==== Trying to Replace what I Lost ==== One of the reasons why I started writing so much was that I had burned my plans, for a Christian nation in Lebanon, for the time of the apocalypse. I destroyed this, when I was having my psychotic or paranoid episode. I also burned my poetry, that I had written for a girl in high school, while I was in the military, as I believed that future girl friends would not like that. After all this was destroyed, I wanted to create something of equivalent value. ==== My Relief ==== After I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, my chronic allergic pink eye cleared up, which I had for the previous 3 years, and I thought I had cancer, but I found out was wrong. At first, I thought my stay in the hospital was because of an emotional break down. I didn’t find out, until a month later, that I had Paranoid Schizophrenia, so I asked if I would get worse and they said no, so I was very relieved. ==== I was Good at Something ==== I never considered giving up, or even knew how to do it. I worked hard to be able to read philosophy and write again. I found these activities very rewarding, as I was good at them, in contrast to most of the things I did in high school and the military (which I wasn’t good at). I took on many activities to improve myself in high school, including: Boy Scouts, Speech, French, Cross Country, Track, and Cheerleading. I was also bad at infantry and working with computers, in the military. ==== I was Doing Something Important ==== I wanted to contribute something important in my life and as I tried various volunteer activities, I could never get a volunteer position, where I felt I was making, as much of a difference, as when I was writing. I knew if I didn’t do what I was doing, then no one else would and I knew I would never make any money off of it. I continued to read as I found Asian philosophy to be very interesting and worthwhile to study. It helped me to be an ethical person and to understand myself better. ==== Until the World Ends ==== At this point, I have continued to have more and more to say over time, so I will continue as long, as the world stays together. And the world ending as we know it has given me a push, to complete, as much, as possible, before everything falls apart. We are faced with more problems, with more severe and likely disasters than ever before. But I have never even thought of what giving up would mean or how I would do it, so I am definitely not giving up now. And, most importantly, my family and God has never given up on me either. === 3.1.4 Ways in Which My Thinking is Chinese === ==== Cyclical View of Time ==== In the modern world, time is often thought of as linear and sequential and that later times in history are always more advanced than earlier times. But the more we learn about history, the more we learn how advanced ancient cultures were and how much was lost shortly after these empires collapsed. We are finally learning that the Romans were more advanced than Europe up until the 19th century and most of the technologies that allowed the advance of Europe in the last 2 centuries were imports from China, ancient Greece, India, and the New World. Italian food was only recognizable after the noodle was imported from China and the tomatoes from the New World. From India came the concept of zero, the numbering system we use today, the use of chickens for food, and using cotton for clothing. Most Western war fighting technologies, including: gun powder, missiles, and modern information warfare techniques. ==== Emotional Factors First ==== Most people in the Europe and America relate in terms of what is called rational intelligence. This means that most people in the West base their interactions on facts, dates, figures, statistics, linear logic, and other things that can be written down and measured. Another approach is called emotional intelligence. This kind of thinking does not have any set rules nor lend themselves to a observe and record approach. Most communication is not in spoken words, but is instead communicated through body language. If someone does not like you at work, they can make your life miserable, even while following all the rules designed to make the work environment pleasant. You cannot pin down the way a person feels to a given event or a specific time frame, but they can identify who it is who is causing them pain. ==== Obsession with Self-Sufficiency ==== I think that it is important to know how do do as many things as possible. I learned early in my education about computers that I couldn’t get anyone to solver the problem unless I paid them vast sums of money. This is when I started learning more and more about computers in order to know them well enough to fix problems myself. In my website and book publishing I also depend on as little as I can, so that I have control over the future of what I have created. I do everything myself because if you want someone to do a good job at something you have to pay them enormous sums and to get someone to do a great job at something, you need to do it yourself. One of the biggest problems today is that people have too low a standards in how they behave and how hard they work. ==== Different Formal and Private Manners ==== A lot of people that have met me think I am outgoing, friendly, optimistic, and have everything figured out. But this is only my public side. My family knows a very different side of me. I am really moody, passionate, artistic, critical, and dedicated. I spend a tremendous amount of time thinking and for a long time constantly though of how I could improve my website in the back of my mind. I don’t reveal much to a psychologist or doctor, because they are not family. It is also hard to be bare your souls with a bureaucracy when only random things you say are written down out of context and then you are forced to explain them many years later out of the blue to a totally different person. It is also hard to trust someone who is working fro the government and is required to keep a record and pas on anything you might say to who knows what agency for who knows what reason without ever even telling you. It is funny that people are afraid of the things that they type into Google, but they are not afraid of the government having all the information and either losing it, mixing it up, or prosecuting you later for it, without informing you what for or given a chance to verify if the information is accurate (all because of the Patriot Act). ==== Importance of Writing and Written Culture ==== Writing is the vessel in which culture is contained, consumed, changed, and preserved. This generation wants to give up on reading, because they think it is too hard. Most people now just want to look at pretty pictures or funny videos of people doing stupid things. In the past, people fought hard, in all cultures, to get their kids into school and learn how to read and write. Many people would have paid almost any price to give their children a decent education. And the church used to be part of this tradition. The problem with relying on others to take care of the writing is that you lose the ability to participate in the culture. In other words, you are giving up your citizenship and your constitutional rights as well as your ability to understand religion, art, history, math, Science, or anything else communicate mainly in writing. When people lose the ability to express themselves with words they give up their freedom and their humanity. Without writing, we would not have anything other than stone tools and we would be living hand to mouth off the land, all by ourselves. === 3.1.5 Why So Rational? === ==== Why The Need to Explain Things? ==== I am actually much more mystical, than rational and the big reason why I have put so much effort into providing detailed arguments, for what I believe, is to ground me in reality. When suffering from paranoia, you can easily get lost in fantasy and lose touch with reality. This does not mean that the fact based understanding of the world explains everything, nor is it the most important aspect of the world. But as much as I believe God helps me in everything I do, I don’t expect to not pay my bills and instead wait on God, to pay them miraculously. Being spiritual should not mean giving up your ability to interact with others, to be on time, and to take care of your health and finances. ==== The Bible Doesn’t Need Apologetics ==== I have focused a lot lately in my writings on being more systematic and giving reasoned out arguments, for my beliefs and decisions. At the same time, I do not believe that the Christian God or the Bible need my reasoned out arguments, for belief to spread. In fact, without me, the 3rd world has already realized that Western Civilization and Christianity are totally different things. They know that capitalism and imperialism is not the the only way to structure society. ==== Christianity Has Already Won ==== For the amount of time that Christianity was known in the third world, it took very little time to outnumber Islam 2 to 1. Also, those practicing indigenous religions are much more likely to favor Christianity, over Islam, in Africa and in East Asia there are many more Chinese Christians, than we know of. Even in Indonesia, which accepted Islam considerably recently, did so in the 13th Century. Islam had a thousand year head start in Africa (excluding the Christian enclave of Ethiopia) and Southern Asia (after successfully ethnic cleansing the Syriac language and Eastern Orthodox Christians in these areas). ==== Rationalism Has Improved my Situation ==== I have found that being rational in my public self has been useful, both in increasing my credibility with others in the mental health system and people I meet, as well as, improved my ability to restrict paranoia, to a certain part of my mind. I believe that the world in which I live (America) is much more in need of embracing spirituality, than they need to listen to human reasoning and I have much more interest in the spiritual than the sciences. So, if I didn’t have Schizophrenia, I would likely have never approached my work, in the way that I have now. I would likely have used art, instead of writing and the only writing would likely just be poetry. == 3.2 Discover My Life Story == === 3.2.1 Childhood === I was born in 1978, and in Middle School, I saw the end of the Cold War and the fall of the Soviet Union and the Warsaw Pact, starting with the breaking down of the Berlin Wall. I grew up in the 90’s when the world was much simpler. We didn’t have any major wars going on and the economy was growing. Computers were simple and most people didn’t have access to the Internet. I was involved in church and Scouting from an early age. I started out in Tiger Cubs in 1st Grade and finished by becoming an Eagle Scout, just before I graduated from high school. I spent the years between 8 and 18 at an Evangelical Quaker church. Elementary School was boring, while Middle School I was unpopular and it was a living hell. One of the things that made Middle School so bad is that I had some huge warts on my hands, which I had to get removed by acid, liquid nitrogen, and then by minor surgery. I also had a newspaper delivery route near my house and had to get up at 4 am twice a week, for several years. I had to collect the money, by going house to house and it was like pulling teeth, to get people to pay a couple bucks a month, for the newspaper. === 3.2.2 High School === High School was much more fun, as I spent most my after school hours in a variety of activities and clubs. My junior year, I was involved in 12 extra curricular activities. I also became popular ,after I spent a year on the Cheerleading Team, as the Yell King and Spirit Man. I also ran Cross Country and Track the other 3 years and my senior year I took weightlifting and conditioning, to get ready for the military. I spent 2 of my summer vacations, during high school, working at Boy Scout summer camps. One was in the middle of a national forest in the mountains, by a small lake and the other was on the coast, with direct beach access. One summer, I also went to Washington, D.C., because I won first place in my state in a national peace essay contest, sponsored by the US Institute of Peace. In DC, we did a simulation of the conflict in Somalia during the mid 90’s and got to meet important government and organizations like our congressional representatives, the State Department, the Red Cross, and more. We also saw the Smithsonian and toured the capitol. During the school year, I participated in many clubs, including: Model United Nations, Speech, French Club. My junior year I also did Peer Counseling, Catering Club, and started my own Political Club. I missed so many days of school, due to my extra curricular activities, that I should have had to repeat most my years of high school. Most the activities I was involved with, I was bad at, including: Speech, sports, and Scouting. This influenced me to later focus on things I was good at, including the humanities and the arts. === 3.2.3 Army === My junior year, I signed up for the Army, in the Delayed Entry Program. One reason I signed up was for the money for college, but I also believed that was what God wanted me to do, as preparation for something later. I left for the military a month after I graduated from High School. The military was very stressful, but very exciting. I knew I was doing something important, but I also was terrified of a number of the risks involved, especially of the threat of chemical weapons. One of the things we had to do in Basic Training was go into a gas chamber for 5 minutes, with CS gas (which is a kind of tear gas) and then take off our masks, while we were inside. I felt like I was being burned alive. I figured if the training gas was so bad, then the real chemical weapons must be infinitely worse. Later, the psychiatrists that diagnosed my with Schizophrenia thought that the gas chamber was the time when I had my first psychological break with reality. I was in the military from 2 July 1996 to 15 August 1997. I finished all my training, to work with computers and I was stationed in Hawaii from February to August 1997. I really enjoyed Hawaii. I was on the island of Oahu – the one with Honolulu and most the tourist sites on it. I got to see almost every thing there for tourists. I also took and passed several college classes and tests that counted for college credit. I ended up completing my Freshman Year of college, during my stay in the military. What I enjoyed most about Hawaii was the people at the churches I went to. I left the military with an Honorable Discharge under the regulations for discharges for combat stress. I was diagnosed with Schizoid personality disorder. I left in 5 weeks, after going to my commanding officer, and asking to get out. I was obviously out of my mind, at the time. Never do it this way. Even dishonorable discharges take longer than this. When I was in the military, they had a number of different discharges, including: general, other than honorable, etc. In the military. you can get what is called an Article 15. for minor infractions. like being late to formation or having food in your locker. You get fined a couple hundred dollars and get several weeks of extra duty, after your work. Any NCO can give one of these out, for almost anything, no matter how minor. If I had one of these, since I was only in for a year, I could have gotten one of the other discharges, like general, which would have kept me from being able to get my disability pension later on. Luckily, I had none of these. When I left Basic Training, I got chronic allergic conjunctivitis (also known as pink eye), which I had for several years more, until I got started on my first anti-psychotic, when I first got diagnosed with Schizophrenia. My eyes itched and burned all the time until then. === 3.2.4 College === When I left the military, I started at a local Community College for a year, to complete my lower division required courses, for business management. I hated the business classes, but I believed that this was the way to a good job and so I did it anyway. I had to take accounting 5 times to pass it, although I did very well in economics. After continuing for a year at the local University in town, I finally decided to change majors, to Journalism, as I enjoyed and was good at writing and I believed it would get me a good job. I tried taking a Chinese language and a History of Philosophy series of courses, but stopped taking Chinese, because I couldn’t learn the language fast enough and the philosophy courses, because I forgot to do the first paper which would have given me an F. I also had to drop an advanced Feminist Anthropology course, because I couldn’t figure out what phrasing the teacher wanted me to use for my papers and I had to drop a required course in Statistics, because my ability to do basic math left me. Along the way, I took a Chinese literature series of courses, for my breadth requirement, a class on Existentialism, and one on Ecofeminism, to make up for courses which I failed, plus an advanced class on Beauvoir and did well in all of them. This was when I realized I was good at philosophy. This is also when I started the website and started writing poetry about God and religion. === 3.2.5 Schizophrenia === Then on 11 December 1999, I had a break down and had my first psychotic episode. My parents found me walking on the street and took me to the hospital emergency room. I was talking a mile a minute. The doctors thought I was on methamphetamine, until I took a urine test. Then they sent me to the psychiatry ward of another local hospital, where I went in voluntarily. I spent 10 days (until my dad’s insurance stopped) and then left in my parents care. I found out a month later that I had Paranoid Schizophrenia. I just watched TV, for the first several months, but then started reading, where I left off, in my Chinese Literature and Existentialism classes. I then wrote up my paranoid episode and started writing poetry again. That fall, I left my parents home and stayed in a local mental health group home with 8 other mentally ill men. I stayed there until I got my veteran’s pension. Then I moved out into my own apartment and had an in home care worker help me with cooking and cleaning. I later spent some time in a retirement home, after having trouble with the in home care and to make sure I remembered my medicine. I stayed there for 2 years and had to eat terrible food and deal with some very nasty and delusional old people. Then I left, for my own apartment again. I chose one next to an independent living arrangement for the mentally ill and they monitored my medicine. Now I am completely on my own and I published 4 books with what I had written up until then and then continued to write. == 3.3 Discover My Disability == === 3.3.1 Background Information === ==== General Information ==== Schizophrenia describes a wide spectrum of mental health disorders. Schizophrenia is a thought disorder and is the worst mental illness one can have. It is not known what causes it. There is a genetic tendency and then it is brought out by a stressful situation, most commonly, military service. About 1% of the population has Schizophrenia worldwide and it has the same rates of infection across the globe, in every country and culture. Diagnosis doesn’t generally happen until the affected person has a psychotic episode and breaks a minor law, so they can be sent to a psychiatric hospital (I never committed a crime and voluntarily signed myself in). The illness generally starts for men in their 20’s and for women in their 30’s, but it can easily take a decade to admit they have a problem and to get properly diagnosed and on effective medicine. ==== Common Misunderstandings ==== Schizophrenia has nothing to do with multiple personality disorder and is very different from bipolar disorder and clinical depression. Schizophrenia has no effect on your intelligence, independence of thinking, or creativity. Schizophrenia is often confused with some sort of existential crisis of spirit or as a sign of someone having the special spiritual ability, but in reality having spiritual powers has nothing to do with Schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is a mental disability and does not give the person any special gifts. In fact, a person with Schizophrenia has less control of their mind and would find things like mediation to be very difficult. Confusing spiritual powers and mental illness is insulting to both groups as it creates the perception that spiritually aware people are somehow disabled and it insults people with Schizophrenia who try to avoid the spiritual world. === 3.3.2 Dealing with the Illness === ==== Symptoms ==== The symptoms of Schizophrenia are grouped into positive and negative categories, positive meaning what you have in addition to what a normal person has and negative meaning lacking something a normal person has. The positive symptoms can include paranoia, auditory hallucinations (hearing voices), and delusions. The negative symptoms include depression, lack of motivation, and lack of facial expression. ==== Treatment ==== Schizophrenia was only successfully treated to some extent since the 1950s when it was discovered that tranquilizers, also known as sedatives, helped. Sedatives are the only treatment that has had any degree of success. Counseling can help as a secondary treatment. There is no traditional medicine treatment that works for Schizophrenia. Before the 1950s, a person with Schizophrenia would starve to death, because when a person goes into a psychotic episode, they stop eating. ==== Medicine and Side Effects ==== The medicine brings the positive symptoms under control, but it does not get rid of all of them, so that you can deal with them and either causes or does not alleviate the negative symptoms. The medicine does not make you any less creative, any less independent of thought or affect your intelligence. The medicine slows things down and make you very sleepy and gain a lot of weight. The newest medicines are supposed to not cause sleepiness and weight gain and just target the mind, but they still have those same side effects for me. Only certain drugs work on certain people and for many people the newer drugs aren’t effective on them or they cannot afford them. It is very hard for a person with Schizophrenia, to remember to take their medicine. Many people stop taking their medicine, because they have less symptoms than before and they think they don’t need it any more. This usually results in having to go back to the hospital and starting from scratch. === 3.3.3 Living with the Situation === ==== Daily Life ==== A third of people with Schizophrenia just stare at the wall all day, a third are in assisted living and a third are mostly independent. People with Schizophrenia are no more violent than anyone else, but are often the victims of crimes, as people try to get them involved in various scams and they also often live in poor neighborhoods, as most have to live on a state pension that is very small. Many people with Schizophrenia cannot read anything longer than a newspaper article and although there is often an increased interest in religion, it is almost impossible for someone with Schizophrenia to understand philosophy, regardless of intelligence. Schizophrenia is related to anxiety disorder, but many degrees of magnitude greater. People with Schizophrenia are often uncomfortable around other people and live isolated lives. ==== Unqualified Workers ==== Many people are hard to diagnose as to what mental illness they have, which is made worse by the fact that many mentally ill individuals have tried to self medicate with various street drugs and many of the workers in the mental health system do not have adequate training and try to push certain agendas like telling people to treat their symptoms by some kind of diet, some sort of meditation, or to reduce the amount of medicine they are on which are all ineffective. === 3.3.4 My Situation === ==== Paranoid Schizophrenia ==== I have Paranoid Schizophrenia. This is the worst kind of Schizophrenia. What is most disabling symptom to me is paranoia. Paranoia is basically a kind of terror – think fear on steroids. Paranoia and delusions are similar, but usually distinguished by paranoia being a fear of people coming after you and delusions include other situations you imagine, all of which are not real. My diagnosis is definite, as I have been diagnosed to have the same mental illness by 3 independent psychiatrists, and no psychiatrists since then have ever challenged my diagnosis (psychiatrists are the only ones qualified to diagnose mental illness, which have much more training than a psychologist, even one with a Ph.D.). I also have never taken any street drugs or abused prescriptions, which made it easier to diagnose me. ==== Behavioral Strategies ==== In addition to the medicine I take, I have several other methods, that help keep my symptoms under check. I have to be careful what I watch on TV and read on the Internet, to avoid things that trigger increased paranoia. I keep busy with projects, to avoid paranoid thoughts and voices. I also get out, as often as possible, to keep myself grounded in reality. I try to limit what I do, at any one time, so that I don’t get stressed out, to avoid depression and paranoid thoughts. I have also have a PRN medicine I can take, when I am having acute symptoms. == 3.4 Mental Illness == === 3.4.1 The Schizophrenia Split === ==== Reality vs. Fantasy ==== Many people confuse multiple personality disorder with Schizophrenia, but these disorders are totally unrelated. Schizophrenia does cause a mental split, but not between different personalities. The split is between fantasy and reality. ==== Like Apostle Paul ==== The two aspects of your mind are a lot like that which the Apostle Paul talks about in his Letters to the different early churches in the New Testament. Paul talks about the spiritual man and the carnal man as being constantly at war, so although part of you doesn’t want to sin, the other part is addicted to it and wants to continue participating in those behaviors. Paul says that even he does not do what he want to do, but that which he doesn’t want to do, he does. ==== Counseling Doesn’t Work ==== In experiencing the symptoms of Schizophrenia, the person knows in one part of their mind that what they fear or what they imagine is not based on reality, but the other part of them still fears or imagines that anyway. A lot of psychology is about trying to overcome your addictions and usually focuses on both cognitive and behavioral solutions to the patient’s obsessions and other destructive behavior. But the paranoia and delusions caused by Schizophrenia cannot be dealt with in the usual way. ==== Only Medicine Works ==== Traditional counseling does not solve the fantastic beliefs a person with Schizophrenia suffers with. The only effective way to treat Schizophrenia is by sedatives/tranquilizers. The medicine works by slowing the entire body down, including the mind. This medicine lowers the intensity of the paranoia and delusions, but does not resolve the other symptoms of Schizophrenia, including: depression, inappropriate facial expressions, lack of motivation, and trouble relating with other people. === 3.4.2 Symptoms of Schizophrenia === ==== Types of Schizophrenia ==== Schizophrenia is a broad category of different mental disorders mostly caused by abnormal development of the brain in the adolescent years. Schizophrenia is caused by a combination of a genetic tendency and a stressful experience. Most people think that people with Schizophrenia all have hallucination, paranoia, and delusions. There are actually different types of Schizophrenia and some of them do not have paranoia or hallucinations as symptoms. ==== Variety of Symptoms ==== Hallucinations suffered by people with Schizophrenia are almost always auditory and are mostly voices. Only some people who have Schizophrenia hear voices. Paranoia is about fear of people or other sentient beings coming after you, while delusions involve all the other types of misconceptions about reality. Most people who have Schizophrenia have delusions, but only some of them suffer from paranoia. ==== Schizophrenia vs. Other Mental Illnesses ==== Paranoid Schizophrenia is widely accepted as the most disabling mental illness. The main reason why Schizophrenia is more serious then clinical depression or bipolar disorder is that these disorders are mood disorders, while Schizophrenia is a thought disorder. There is also a hybrid disorder which causes much less severe symptoms of Schizophrenia combined with either the mania or depression aspects of bipolar disorder. === 3.4.3 Fear is Not Fun === ==== What is Paranoia? ==== Many people enjoy activities that give them a rush for fear like: skydiving, bungee jumping, living in deserts or tundra, watching horror movies, going to haunted houses, traveling to war zones, or being a volunteer fire fighter, a policeman, or a prison guard. Some of these activities that people engage in help us out and we are indebted to those, who are willing to, for whatever reason, risk their lives, for our protection. I have a unique perspective on what is commonly referred to as paranoia: which is an extreme form of perpetual fear, although it is not based on the reality of the situation you are in. But is is very real to those experiencing it. This kind of fear is not fun, it is very exhausting, and the adrenaline rush is not something that those who suffer with this enjoy in any way. When you have fear that is out of your control and not something you can stop, by avoiding dangerous situations or not reading or watching movies about them. It is not a fear that you can reason out and place limits on and it makes it no less real to your mind, even though you know, in another part of your mind, that is is baseless. ==== Medicine Causes Constant Tiredness ==== People who don’t take medicine for pain or mental illness often think that the medicine takes away the entirety of the symptoms, but this is not true. Even while taking powerful sedatives, I experience paranoia frequently. One of the side effects of taking powerful sedatives is that they affect the entire body and are not just limited to slowing down the brain. They make my body so tired, that I am constantly more tired, then I ever was, even while doing intense training in the military and only getting 3 hours sleep at night. I am always exhausted, no matter how much sleep I get, and never feel fully rested. I cannot just sleep or stop working, when I am when I am tired, because if I did that, I would never stop sleeping. At the same time as my body is very tired, my mind is still very active. Part of the reason why I work so fast is that my mind has always been much faster than other people’s, because I have always been very intelligent. Another reason for working so fast is that I do not have as much time to work as other people do, because I cannot work for hours on end and not get stressed out and over stimulated. ==== People Think “He is Totally Crazy” or “He has No Problems” ==== And people who are not familiar with mental illnesses assume that a person is totally out of control of their mind and is living in a complete fantasy world. But if they were then they would not be able to work out the elaborate scenarios, they use to protect themselves from the fear. When you are paranoid or delusional, you have a certain aspect of your brain that believes a reality that is not accurate, but most of your reasoning ability still works. People often think people will become violent when they are paranoid, but it is most likely that they will avoid other people and escape from situations that scare them. The things that are most disabling to me and cause me to avoid activities, that most people enjoy, are a combination of my paranoia and my lack of energy. It is hard to meet new people and engage in new activities, when you constantly worry about the “worst case scenario” It is also hard to do physical activities or go out in the evenings or the early mornings, when you are so tired. In addition, much of the volunteer work is not fulfilling, because most volunteer jobs are not very interesting and, at the same time, volunteering requires that you commit to a set schedule. Having to do the same thing every day is very stressful for me. Other city clubs also require you to do a lot of work. People generally don’t believe I can do anything, so they never give me a chance or they don’t believe that I am really disabled, so they don’t give me extra consideration. === 3.4.4 Extreme Anxiety === ==== Related Symptoms ==== Schizophrenia is related to anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder, in that it is common for people who have Schizophrenia to have symptoms common to those suffering from these other disorders. Paranoia is really just an extreme form of fear and anxiety is like fear but less intense, so it is reasonable for these disorders to have cross-over symptoms. ==== Common Symptoms ==== The most common anxiety symptoms amongst people with Schizophrenia are: an avoidance of confrontations and other stressful situations, anxiety about being around more than couple people at once, and an aversion to many daily activities that most people participate in. This is one of the main causes of isolation amongst people with Schizophrenia apart from the typical financial factors. ==== What Stresses Me Out ==== One of the things that stresses me out is any situation where I am overly mentally stimulated like: being in crowded, infrequently visited, or new places; trying to listen to music or play complicated or thinking games for long periods of time; any interactions that require filling our forms or dealing with bureaucracy; waiting for meetings, events, and transportation that are not on time; dealing with obnoxious, talkative, aggressive, or rude people; dealing with the elderly, the homeless, the developmentally disabled, or children; and other similar situations. ==== Overcoming Anxiety ==== One of the worst things you can do if you have the symptoms of an anxiety disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder is to give in to the obsessive thoughts. The more you follow your obsessive thoughts with compulsive actions, the more addictive and intense the thoughts become and the more the symptoms increasing take over and dominate your life. To overcome theses disorders, you need to gradually increase your exposure to the thing that disturbs you. === 3.4.5 Separate and Not Equal === ==== Not Treated as Equals ==== One of the things that bothers me most about being mentally ill is that the people whose job it is to provide services for us do not know anything about the mentally ill. Instead of treating us as equals and people who need extra help, they pressure us by: not trusting us, not listening to us, not explaining things to us correctly, not being consistent or reliable, assuming they always know more than us, assuming everyone’ situation is the same, treating us as criminals, assuming our time is not important, using fear to intimidate us, making services difficult and time consuming to access, and trying to control us by having control over our access to our medicine, our money, and our independence. ==== Source of Problems ==== The biggest sources of the problems are: that all the services provided for the mentally ill are constantly being reduced due to budget cuts even when the economy is doing well, using a complex bureaucracy under the assumption that this prevents dishonest people from making money off the services, the people that run the services are there because they get a power trip over controlling other people, and the general lack of knowledge by those whose job it is to provide services for the mentally ill. ==== Political Correctness ==== Every other disability even one like ADHD where almost everyone has, the government goes to great lengths financially, legally, and socially to empower those people affected, whereas with the mentally ill it is politically correct to: blame us for problems not related to us, single us out in ways that would never be acceptable for other people with disabilities, expect things that are unreasonable to expect of us, perpetuating stereotypes and urban myths that have no basis in reality, denying us funding, letting criminals illegitimately use mental illness to get out of prison time so that people continue to assume that the mentally ill are out of control or commit crimes more than other people, and generally use our disability against us. ==== We Want Equal Help ==== The blind get people to go to great lengths to convert books to tapes and braille, pressure webmaster to have to re-design their website so that blind people can access them, and create talking crossing lights all at great expense to the taxpayers. The government goes to great lengths to make ramps for wheel chairs and add wheelchair lifts to public buses. The developmentally disabled a tremendous amount of government funds, get special classrooms and funds for their education, and they get to behave aggressively and be obnoxious when they control themselves. I don’t want other people with different disabilities to get less from the government, but I don’t know why the mentally ill don’t get the same amount of government support financially, legally, and socially. == 3.5 General Psychological Issues == === 3.5.1 The Corruption of Individuality === ==== Definition of Consumerism ==== I cannot give a set definition of consumerism that holds true for everyone. Obviously we in the West and more and more in the rest of the world have to work and pay for entertainment to relax. This is not what I mean by consumerism. Just like being rich is relative and not wrong in and of itself, it all comes down to what Paul said of sin: if you do mostly what you do not want to do, that is a sin and an addiction. If you can pay your bills and are not overwhelmed by debt, then just follow your conscience. If other people think you have a problem, that would be a fairly reliable sign of a problem. Even work can be a sin and an addiction, of which I am often guilty. And becoming saved will not necessarily give you the ability to you overcome your addiction right away. ==== Consumerism = Sin = Addiction ==== The modern American culture is based on consumerism. The reason why businesses and governments want us to continue to be primarily consumers, rather than producers, is because they know they get more than just our money – they get our souls. In other words, consumerism is based on sin and addiction times 10. We constantly talk about how much we save, when we buy things and how wonderful it is to have the wealth, freedom, and variety to choose what we want. But in our quest to exercise our freedom, we our becoming slaves to our addictions. ==== Not True Freedom ==== Modern American consumerism is so addictive because: we can afford it, we get instant gratification, and we get prestige by buying the same things as other people do. Ultimately we want to be happy and belong to a group. The problem is rooted in our misunderstanding of the concept of individuality and our democracy being based on inalienable rights. Some of the most extreme individualists are the Existentialist philosophers, but they always associated freedom with responsibility and freedom from conformity, as vital components of their beliefs. ==== How to Conquer Our Addictions ==== The true way to conquer our addictions is to submit ourselves to God. We think in being able to do whatever we want that we are free, but it doesn’t work that way. We were designed to have God be part of our lives. When we say want freedom, what we usually mean is that we want to belong to something greater than ourselves. The admission to almost any group is costly in money, time, and comes with a loss of freedom in thinking. The admission to the family of God is free in money and allows you to be the one in control of your destiny. ==== Controlling Your Future ==== God does not want you to submit to Him out of fear of going to Hell, or out of desperation after trying everything else. God just wants us to follow His rules, because He created us and the rules are there for our protection. Being led by God and following His rules will save us from our addiction, allow us to belong to the greatest family, and allows us to have free choice in what we do, without ultimately serving others, by our choices. You have to choose what group you want to belong to: the one that gives you hollow freedom that leads you to physical and spiritual death, or the one that gives you a new life and new genuine freedom, that you can control with God’s help. === 3.5.2 Reasons to Relax === ==== Relaxing is Important ==== Part of life is rest and doing things you enjoy is a need, not a want. As much as I talk about how bad the mistakes are that we have made, how people should push themselves and give their all, and my sadness at the loss of interest in fine literature and art; it is good to play games, watch TV, and lay down for a nap. Just as you work hard, so you need a way stop your work, enjoy what you have created, and distract yourself from the problems, in your life and in the world. No one can work constantly and still remain healthy enough to continue their work. ==== Making Time to Relax ==== Most of us are too busy to enjoy life or have time to spend with people, outside our families. If we allow ourselves time to relax, we will be more patient with each others, accomplish more in less time, and make better decisions. Rest is as important as work and we need to have both a balanced and healthy life. When we cut back, on things we think we have to do, we will have more time to do what we want to do and we will enjoy life more. It is also easier to have contact with God, when you take time out to stop working, so that you can concentrate on what God has to say, without distractions. ==== Being Creative ==== Relaxation is important for creative people, because you often get your best ideas, when not consciously thinking about them. Often times inspiration comes, when doing some daily routines, that don’t require much thought. You also cannot really judge your work, when you are tired, like you can evaluate it, when you are rested up. If you get discouraged with something you created, don’t throw it away. Decide about it, after you finish sleeping. ==== Dealing with Schizophrenia ==== Relaxing is important, for people with Schizophrenia, as it is easier for us to get over stimulated and get stressed out, when dealing with everyday situations, that are much more difficult for us to deal with, than for other people. Another major problem, for people who suffer with Schizophrenia, is the paranoia or delusions, that constantly wear on us, much like pain drains your energy. The medicines that treat some of the symptoms of Schizophrenia are often sedating, so they make the person affected much more tired than other people. ==== Making Good Decisions ==== To make a difference in the world, we need to make good decisions about the economy, environment, international relations and other big issue that affect us on a large scale. But to get there, we need to start making smart choices in our individual lives, on a much smaller scale. We need to give ourselves time to rest and recover, just like we need to: allow areas for the environment to return to its original state, have the patience to give other leaders time to think and have time away when making important decisions, and we need to give our economy allowances for not always growing and not constantly expect more out of it all the time. == 3.6 Me and My Writing == === 3.6.1 Why So Serious? === ==== Childhood Experiences ==== I am a very unusual and a very complex person. I also had an unusual childhood and have had untypical experiences as a young adult. School was really boring to me, but I enjoyed learning on my own through reading, especially: historical novels, news magazines, and encyclopedias. I was also very silly and had a slap stick style of humor. I grew up in the 90s when the economy was going good, America was thought of as the good guy, we had relative peace in the world, and it looked like people in power were going to take the environmental problems seriously and fix them before they got real bad. ==== The Military Experience ==== But all this changed, when I joined the military. In the time that I got off the plane, to when I met my first Drill Sergeant, I lost all my appreciation for the lighter side of life. When I signed up for the military, I didn’t realize the life and death decision I made, until I went into the Gas Chamber at Basic Training. This is the time that the psychiatrist that first diagnosed me believed I had my first psychotic episode. A few months later, I got an allergy induced (not contagious) pink eye, which I suffered with constantly, until I was on my first antipsychotic in the hospital for a week (I realize that my allergic reaction was increased dramatically, due to the stress of being mentally ill, without medication). ==== College Experiences ==== I went to college, when I got out of the military, for 2 years and I picked up another year, after I tested out of a year of college, at the end of my time in the military. I was only in the military for 13 months, but I completed all my training and made it to my permanent duty station, before I left the military. I started taking business classes, because I thought it was the best way to get a good job, but hated it. I was in constant pain due to my pink eye. I changed my major later on to Journalism, shortly before I ended up in the mental ward of a local private hospital. ==== Experience with Mental Illness ==== After I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia, I had trouble reading or writing, but finally started again and then, at the end of that summer, I entered into a group home, with 8 other mentally ill men. I didn’t have much money: less than $300 a month, at first. Then the following summer I got my permanent pension, from the VA (100% disability) and I got my first apartment. I got my disability a few months before September 11 and, if that had not happened, I would likely be an infantry soldier in Iraq now. ==== Experience Recovering ==== We tried various in home care workers, to help me with cleaning my house and making sure I took my medicine, but got so frustrated working with them that I entered a retirement home, for two years. After being picked on for all that time by senile people, I left for my own apartment again, next to an apartment complex for the mentally ill, who had their medications managed for them, and I contracted their services for about 6 months. Now I live totally independently. ==== The World Today ==== The situation in the world today is a very serious one. We don’t just have an economic recession. We are at the very limits of what our planet can provide in terms of oil, soil, and drinkable water. At the very least our economy has permanently contracted. We cannot leave Iraq or Afghanistan any time soon, even if all of Congress and the White house were in agreement. Whenever oil gets too expensive, our entire economy will collapse very quickly and we will have to learn to live without electricity and modern plumbing. We are also going to have some great problems with most major cities having to deal with sea level rises, we will be getting El Nino every year on the west coast of the Americas, and New York city and Boston and everything down to Florida will be getting hurricanes bigger than Katrina, every year. Europe could go into another ice age and India is going to have a major water shortage. Being intelligent does not make life easy and knowing the answers to problems does not help, because the people in power don’t listen to us. === 3.6.2 My Style === ==== What is Unique About Me ==== What makes me unique is not the topics I write about, but the situation I am in, as well as my passion and commitment to pursuing truth. I have lots of time, unusual experiences and a unique perspective, and I don’t have to earn a living, so have pursued education in a number of areas. Since I enjoy helping others, I decided to give back, by writing about what I have learned. I even give away my creations for free. I can promise you that I will not write about something, unless I thoroughly understand it and can give a unique perspective on the topic. I also do not profit from anything I write about. ==== Clear and Concise ==== The simplest explanation of why my books are so short is that I believe that people don’t have much time, so I don’t want to waste it with unnecessary repetition. I find it hard to read long books and believe that most books can be shortened to a twenty page essay. I also find repetition very frustrating, as I get it the first time. I was inspired, by seeing how brief some of the most famous Chinese writings were, like the Tao Te Ching. My books are a compilation of many shorter essays and poetry. ==== Why Non-Fiction ==== I write mainly non-fiction as I that is what I read. I read non-fiction, because reading is very difficult for me, since I have Schizophrenia and if I make the effort to read, I want to learn something. Reading is not enjoyable in and of itself for me, but I do enjoy learning. I have also liked reading mostly non-fiction as a kid, as well. ==== My Interest in Philosophy ==== Many people study philosophy to learn how to debate and are interested in the technical subtleties of the discipline. Philosophy affects me very personally and in very practical ways. My interest in philosophy is about learning to make better use of my life. To me, one of the most important parts of philosophy is ethics. The reason I have been interested in philosophy so long and why Asian philosophy interests me so much is the passion mystics and philosophers have for their beliefs. If you read Hafiz, Kabir, Rousseau, or Nietzsche; you will understand what I mean about having passion for their beliefs. I write about what I know and what I have read a lot about. I started reading philosophy in college, as I found out I was good at it and the Existential and Chinese Philosophies I studied in school explained much of why I thought the way I did. I actually had been a Christian Existentialist and Philosophical Taoist as a kid and just had not known the proper terminology. As early as middle school, I understood paradox and believed that people couldn’t be objective. When I was in college, it seemed like every class blamed White Christian Males as the source of all the problems in the world, but I realized that things started getting exponentially worse as atheism became more acceptable and mainstream. The world was not nearly as screwed up in medieval times when the church was in power, as it has in the twentieth century, where atheist ideas were the basis for policy. Most of the world that was supposedly persecuted by Christianity is now more Christian, than any other religion. Most people in the developing world understand that Christianity has nothing to do with Western Civilization. ==== Managing Complexity ==== There is something more to my style and how I design. My desire is to keep things as simple as possible. I constantly have people I know say that what I write or explain is too complicated and people who think they are experts say that I am oversimplifying. My desire is to make my communication as clear as possible, while being faithful to the message. I already think that most things in life ten to be too complicated for not a good enough reason. Simply said, I hate splitting hairs, using advanced words, and do not use subtlety much at all. I want to be very clear about what it is I believe and what it is I stand for and I don’t want to waste people’s time with unnecessary details. I do at the same time strive to keep things complex enough to do them justice. I can simplify things down to certain point, but beyond that people need to realize that not everything is a simple as operating an iPhone. Not everything can be reduced to a Powerpoint presentation or bullet points. === 3.6.3 Research Issues === ==== Why Spend So Much Time and Effort? ==== I have been studying and writing about philosophy, religion, literature, history, and art (the humanities), for 11 years, for a number of reasons. First, I am a disabled veteran and get a full pension from the VA, and do not work for an income, so I have lots of time. Second, I want to make a difference and when I do something I fully commit to it. Third, I have chosen a very complex and broad field, so it has taken this long to get enough material for writing books. Fourth, I enjoy it and have complete control over it, while I do not have that kind of control in many areas of my life. Fifth, it helps me to deal with my mental illness by keeping busy. To really be good at something and to make a difference in the world requires a tremendous effort and a big commitment. Things that are worth doing take a long time. You cannot expect to accomplish something important without a real struggle and a lot of patience. Books are not written overnight and websites are very difficult to design and maintain. Many people want to put as little effort into something as possible, while I do the opposite. It really shows how much you know, when you write about something. You cannot take the easiest route and get good results. We only live once, so we need to get the most we can out of it. ==== The Scope of My Research ==== The books which I have read and recommend, which are the basis of my understanding of philosophy and religion, were chosen very carefully. I have deliberately chosen not to read certain books, for various reasons. I only chose books that were well written and clear and concise. I have focused my reading mostly on Asian classics and most the books I have found to be helpful in improving myself. I have specifically avoided many typical Greek, Roman, and white American and English writings, because they are so over read and recommended and represent a very narrow view of the world and most of what I want to change. I usually only read one book by each author, unless I feel it is very important. I also have avoided books that were very expensive and/or very difficult to find. I don’t read many female authors as I usually cannot understand them. And most importantly, I have avoided reading certain book or areas of philosophy because the Bible forbids them. The following list includes my exact reasons that I have quoted form my Book of Lists, which lists the books I recommend, as well as survival equipment and various other things as well. •If you see a book that you think should be on the list but is not, likely I have already read it and didn’t include it because it was too hard for others to read or it was poorly written including being too repetitive or not being clear and concise. •I have also particularly focused on Asian and classical texts, and have especially tried to limit the Greek, Roman, white American and English writing to as few works as possible, because I think those areas are over read and I have little interest in them after having to read so many of them in high school. •Most of the works I have included I agree with or at least partly agree with and believe can be useful for personal growth except for most the books or the topics contained in “History - Establishment” categories which I believe are only worthwhile for understanding history. •I also have usually only included one book by each author and not necessarily the most famous, but rather the most useful one. •Another consideration is the cost and availability of the works. For works that are difficult to find or expensive to buy, I have generally stayed away from. •I generally avoid female writers as most of them I cannot understand. •This is also a great list for Christians who want to study world religions and philosophies without studying the occult. ==== Frustrations with Web-Based Content ==== ''Problems Networking'' At one time, I had hoped to expand upon my work and get other people motivated to create their own, from their point of view, but I have found there is no interest. I see great things on web pages sometimes, but it is all copyrighted and I can never get anyone to return my email. Most people put everything in the junk folder, unless they already know the person and are so afraid of scams that it is very difficult to network with other web site owners. ''Barriers to Sharing'' The problem with anything good you find on the web is that you cannot use it or copy it, but that the same time the person who created it takes it off the web very soon, so we lose all record of it. Also, people seem very resistant to putting thing in PDF files, which make it much easier to archive information. Then most people, if they can write well or produce great art, cannot produce a site that is not visually offensive, or know so little about it that it is inaccessible to even the most advanced users. ''Why I Do It Myself'' Since no one else is willing or able to create free content and keep it available consistently, I think long and hard before I link to someone doing something similar to what I do. And most people are motivated solely by money, so I would have to pay, to get anyone to contribute anything, but I don’t have the money. I hear people all the time recommending I use professional Adobe software, but I cannot afford to, as no one will pay me for what I do. ==== Why I Didn’t Read in the Original Languages ==== Another branch of the humanities that I have not gone into is languages and linguistics. There are several reasons for this. One is that I cannot speak or listen very well and the other is that it would be impractical and for not much gain. I have wanted to learn Chinese and Arabic, but I took French in school and never learned it very well, as I have trouble hearing different words that sound similar. I was also very bad in Speech Club in high school. I even have trouble speaking and understanding English. I don’t move my lips enough, because I have learned to not move my lips, while thinking out load, as I don’t want my thoughts to all be public, for people who can read lips. This happened once in high school. I also speak very fast and have such a wide range of knowledge that it is hard for many people to keep up with me. Another barrier for me learning another language is that, if I have to do something every day, it really stresses me out. To keep up languages skills, you have to practice daily. I also would have to find someone who knows the language to practice with and then I have to meet with them at regular times. If I wanted to read even the most basic selection of Asian philosophy and religion in the original languages, I would have to learn at least 10 languages and many of those are not in modern usage. A tremendous number of the most important texts have modern English translations, so I did not have to limit my reading, by not knowing the original languages. === 3.6.4 Artistic Approach === ==== Overview ==== I do most my art with the computer and the themes I illustrate are typically based on my reading and writing which is primarily about the religion, philosophy, and literature of Asia. I am not talented at the technical skills of drawing and painting but I do have an eye for what looks good and that cannot be taught. I have had basically no formal training in art and like doing so as a release and a way to relax, so I am not interested in learning new artistic skills, at least in the short term. I use my skills on the computer to craft my illustrations. I use a wide variety of different programs to get different effects. I generally use free programs and programs from small companies, often with restrictions, so that I almost never pay over $150 for any one graphics program. The last part of the book is done with Scribus and Inkscape, 2 open source graphics programs. I vectorize the illustrations with Inkscape by: clicking on the PNG image I open up, then choosing “Path”, then “Trace Bitmap”, choosing the “Colors” option, and then clicking on “OK” to apply. I then move the vector image over and delete the bitmap version, move the vector image back to where it was, and then save as in the default SVG format. I use Scribus for the publishing program part. I import the SVG versions of the graphics, resize them to fit on the page, and then I create the PDF, with the following options: under General, choose “PDF 1.3” for “Compatibility”, check “Compress Text and Vector Graphics”, choose “Lossless – ZIP” for “Compression Method”, “Maximum” for “Compression Quality”; under Fonts, choose “Outline All”; and under Color, choose “Screen/Web”. This works well for publishing with Lulu.com. For the screen versions, I use the PNG versions with iPhoto and export to web page for the web gallery version and with Keynote I use the plain black theme at 800 x600 resolution, export to Quicktime format for the interactive slideshow version, and then I compress it in Zip format to reduce the size. ==== World Beliefs Illustrations Book ==== My first illustrations book, ''World Beliefs Illustrations'', is organized by belief systems and I used a wide variety of programs for each illustration that looks like it was done in a different style. I used Expression before Microsoft bought it, the “lite” version of Painter, Toon Boom Studio Express with Photoshop Elements filters, Gimp, and drew some by hand which I later scanned in. ==== Ethics and Discovery Illustrations Book ==== For my latest illustrations book, ''Ethics and Discovery'', each image is generally a composite of work done in multiple programs. Most of these illustrations has a photographic component. The first part, ''Justice and Common Sense'', was done with my photos plus using a plugin in Photoshop Elements. I used the Alien Skin nature textures plugin, I purchased separately, in Photoshop Elements to create the effects in the illustrations plus I used the shapes and layer styles features, that comes with Photoshop Elements, and this was all done on top of and with my my own personal photographs. The ideas the graphics were illustrating different are things that bother my a lot about modern society including injustice and just plain stupidity. The second part, ''Discover the Old World'', was done with a variety of different programs. The graphics come from web graphics used for my website. I also included some of the original images used to create the various composites. I used Carrara Express for most the logos, the “Discover” word with the lighted candle, and for the landscapes which also utilized a number of models, I purchased at the DAZ3d online store plus what I was able to download free from them, and what came with Carrara Express. The logos are explained in the website themes section. The landscapes have some other features on them including Asian art form my previous book as well as a rendering of water, done with a Photoshop plugin called Flood. The background for most the images is a spotlight on a golden-orange-yellow textured background. I created this each time it was used from scratch, with Photoshop Elements, by first creating a layer with just one color, applying the golden textured layer style, simplified the layer. Then I created another layer, by choosing black and a yellow orange for the foreground and background colors, and then applying the render clouds filter on a new layer. Then I changed the opacity on this new layer, so that you could see a glow over the golden texture, and then merged the 2 layers. I then applied the same render lights filter setting each time. This background was to symbolize the idea of “discover” with the concept of someone using a flashlight to explore a dark and undiscovered treasure with a gold surface. The maps were copyright free from 1812 or were given away for free online and a lot of the lettering was done with a Mac OS X only program called Art Text, which utilizes the built in Mac only graphics feature, that small developers can use to differentiate their programs and be able to sell for a very low price. I use Toon Boom Studio Express for a lot of drawings, because the limitations of this cheaper version apply to the animation abilities and the draw features are very impressive, especially with the latest version, after they have added most my suggested features. A number of the original images, used for the different website type of content/multimedia sections, were created originally in Toon Boom Studio Express. I then I used the “auto paint” feature, with different settings for each drawing, in Painter (the full version) to give a more natural painted and organic look, to the simple 1 dimensional illustration. Then I brought the image into Photoshop Elements, cut out the white parts, and then applied various artistic filters to each image. I later added a cut out photograph, I took from living nativity, to each section to make it look more Asian. == 3.7 Letters from Family == === 3.7.1 Dated === ==== 2000 ==== '''3 November 2000''' Benjamin, I am praying for you to get over your cold quickly. Also, remember the Lord is there and wants to help you when you worry about school or other future decisions. He is always there for you. He has also blessed us both giving us each other to love and support. You know you are an inspiration to me. You have helped me to deal with my illness more honestly and practically. I sure am proud of you. We love you dearly. God Bless, Mom ==== 2003 ==== '''3 September 2003''' Ben, I found this card I bought for you some time ago. I sure enjoyed seeing you – although we have to work on your kitchen clean up skills! ! It is just really hitting me lately that granny is gone. So much a part of my life for nearly 50 years. I know she wasn’t always easy – but I guess we weren’t for her either. Thanks for being patient with me. Love, Mom '''17 October 2003''' Ben, Thanks for all you did to make my birthday such a fun time. As always your gifts were very thoughtful. You are too generous. It was such a nice family time with the 4 of us. I know you make a great effort because it isn’t easy for you. I want you to know I realize this. I am very blessed to have such a loving and caring son! ! All my love, Mom ==== 2004 ==== '''8 January 2004''' Benjamin, smart “Holy Cow..it’s Christmas again! ” and New Years! “Hope your holidays areudderly divine.” a little late! Love, Mom '''24 April 2004''' Ben - Wishing you love, joy, peace and every good and perfect gift from the Lord. Love, Dad and Mom '''24 April 2004''' Dear Ben, Happy 26th! I treasure your friendship each day. Love, Rebecca (sister) and Taylor, Jack, and Jill '''6 December 2004''' Hi Ben, Have fun with your new camera. Love, Mom '''15 December 2004''' Benjamin, Looking forward to spending the Holidays with you! Love, Mom ==== 2005 ==== '''24 April 2005''' Dear Ben, This card seemed very appropriate for you. I know we have told you many times how proud we are of you. I want you to know we don’t say this merely in passing. You are truly an amazing individual. You have accepted the very difficult life given to you and handled it with strength and humor – not allowing it to overwhelm you every single day getting up to face the many challenges and pushing yourself to achieve the goals you set. We love you so much and feel very privileged that you include us so much in your life. May your 27th birthday be as special as you are. Ben, you are a remarkable young man. You have many fine qualities. “Follow your dreams; for as you dream, so shall you become. - James Allen” All our Love, Dad and Mom '''20 December 2005''' Benjamin, I couldn’t imagine a more loving and fun son. I often think of the gift God has given us in our relationship. Looking forward to Christmas together. Lot’s of love, Mom and Dad ==== 2006 ==== '''24 April 2006''' You are a wonderful son – loving, caring, generous and full of humor. Thanks for sharing your life with us and enriching us both. God has blessed us deeply with the gift of you as our son. We want you to know you fill our hearts with love and pride. Have a wonderful day. Looking forward to our trip to Portland! All our love, Mom and Dad '''8 November 2006''' “Thank you ’beary’ much for your kindness! I ’beary’ much appreciate it.” I thought Beary would like this card. Thanks for making my birthday so special. I really appreciate and can use the books. I will make up a recipe for you when I am up to it. It is such a joy and special blessing to have a son like you who thinks about me and cares. You are a tremendous encouragement to me. Love, Mom ==== 2007 ==== '''22 March 2007''' We are so proud of the service you gave to our country. I don’t know why you had to pay such a high price. You have accepted the sacrifice asked of you with such courage and tenacity that I am challenged to reach higher in my life, too. I suppose there is a reason God does not answer all these questions we have of why. When I feel so overwhelmed I think of your faithfulness each day and that nothing, nothing can separate us from the love of God. The love that created us, sustains us, and will receive us home for eternity. Praise God. Ben, You are our hero. All our love, Dad and Mom Snuggles, Teddy, Sam, and ducks. '''22 April 2007''' Ben, Hope you are well by now. All my motherly love and desire to take care of you has been with you. I know you are enjoying your new program. Looking forward to your birthday lunch on Saturday. Love, Mom and Dad Rocky and Snuggles '''24 April 2007''' Dear Ben, I enjoy our relationship so much! I’m honored to be related to you and I always enjoy the wonderful and intellectually stimulating conversations that we have. Enjoy your last year of your 20’s! Love, Rebecca (my sister) '''5 June 2007''' A big Moo__________ooo to Beary, Bow, Norm, Patrick, George, Gracie, Little Ben, and Rainbow Ben, “Your friendship is a bright spot in my day” It truly is. Your phone call cheers up my whole day. Thanks for being one of my best friends! What a privilege it is to have my son care so much about me. I am very blessed. Love, Mom '''1 October 2007''' Ben, “I don’t just dressup like this for just anyone...but you’re special Happy Halloween.” Thought you might enjoy these pics. Sorry I’ve been out of it so much lately. I am really trying to rest up so I can get my strength back. You are such a good friend to me. Your love and support encourage me a great deal. You are one of the joys in my life. Love, Mom '''23 October 2007''' Ben, Thank you for all the lovely gifts. You are so thoughtful and generous with your gifts. I sure appreciate your morning phone calls. They are encouraging to me. Thanks for meeting a real need in my life. Love, Mom '''December 2007''' Ben, Beary, Bow, Patrick, George, Norm, and the whole herd All our love to a wonderful son. We hope this is your best Christmas yet. You are one of God’s greatest gifts to us. Your love and sense of humor add joy to every day. Mom and Dad ==== 2008 ==== '''17 May 2008''' Ben, Thank you for the lovely radio and book? (I’m not sure if I am to keep it) You made my day so special. I really enjoyed the time with you. You are fun and generous and thoughtful. I am blessed to have such a loving son. Love, Mom ==== 2009 ==== '''14 February 2009''' “My Son, I wonder if you know how great it is having a son like you...it’s always meant so much to me to hear you laugh, to listen to your ideas, and watch you grow...I wonder if you know how proud I feel whenever I get to tell someone, ’That’s my son...’ What a perfect day to stop wondering and simply tell you. Happy Valentine’s Day.” This card said exactly what I wanted to say! All my love, Mom '''2 April 2009''' Ben, We enjoyed the boat trip and the delicious meal. That is the best salmon I’ve ever had. Bandit had fun, too! It was very generous of you to treat us all. I hope it was a fun Birthday excursion for you. Love, Mom and Dad === 3.7.2 Undated === ==== Valentine’s Day ==== '''1''' Benjamin, Thanks for being such a good friend to me and a loving son. You are a special young man and it’s a privilege to have you share your thoughts with me. Lots of Love, Mom '''2''' Ben, “Lots and lots of valentine wishes- just for being your own loveable self! Happy Valentine’s Day” We miss you. We send you woofs, licks, purrs, and rubs. Love, Rosie, Sammy, Teddy, and Pippin ==== Easter ==== '''1''' He is risen! He is risen indeed ’Jesus told her, I am the resurrection and the life those who believe in me, even though they die like everyone else, will live again. They are given eternal life for believing in me and will never perish.’ John 11:25-26 Happy Resurrection Day Love, Dad and Mom '''2''' Ben, Not perfect but I am learning. Thanks for all your help on the computer. You have made things so much easier for me and given me so many programs. Thanks for all your tech support. I’ve got my own computer expert whenever I need. You are a patient and very good teacher when it comes to explaining things. Love you, Happy Easter. Love, Mom ==== Birthday ==== '''1''' Benjamin, Happy 30th birthday to a wonderful son. We are so proud of the man you have become. You are kind and generous, hardworking, caring, tenacious, and growing in wisdom and godliness. All our love, Mom and Dad '''2''' I think back on the day you were born. I remember it very well. You cried so much your first 4 months. I always thought it was because you were taken before you were ready to be born. After that you were happy and cheerful. You loved to play with blankets and rolled all over the place. You didn’t do much crawling, just rolling and then you walked! The Lord has given me such a wonderful gift in you as my son. You are truly my best friend and it means the world to me. I love you honey. Thanks for loving me. Wanted you to get a greeting on your day. Do something special for yourself – the whole day. Love, Mom and Dad '''3''' Happy Birthday, Bow and Beary! Thanks for being such good companions for Ben. Melissa '''4''' Ben, “Bee Happy - It’s your birthday - Hope it’s a honey of a day” Have a wonderful, wonderful day All our love, Mom and Dad ==== Mother’s Day ==== Thanks for making Mother’s Day so special for me. Spending time with you is the best gift! I love the pictures you drew and I can use the devotionals every night – I keep it by my bedside. Next time I see you, I’ll be on the mend. Have a great day. Love, Mom ==== Mom’s Birthday ==== Thank you for making my birthday so special. Ben, I appreciate all the lovely books. Rebecca, the necklace is lovely. The day was so much fun, too. You both made me feel very special and loved. Thank you. Love, Mom ==== Halloween ==== '''1''' Ben, “Jack-O’-lanterns brighten Halloween...but you brighten every day! ” This card was just perfect for you! You do brighten every day for me. Love, Mom '''2''' Dear Ben, Beary, Bow, Patrick, Norm, and George “Hope it’s a hoot! Happy Halloween” Looking forward to seeing you soon! Love, Mom and Dad ==== Christmas ==== '''1''' Hi Ben, Happy new year! I am writing you this note to wish you joy and peace in this new year. I am also writing to thank you for taking out your time to spend Christmas with us. I had a really good time with you and was very glad you could be with us. Not only are we proud of you and your many accomplishments but we also enjoy your companionship. I really liked the Christmas gifts you bought for me. I use the mug every day and it reminds me of you. We have already used the atlas a number of times. It is good to have a current one. You put a great deal of thought and effort into selecting these gifts. Best wishes always, Dad '''2''' Dear Ben, Thanks so much for your thoughtful gifts. I love the journal with your logo. I have been doing lots of the crosswords too. They are just right in hardness and I like the variety too. The only ones I can’t do are the British crosswords. I don’t even understand the clues! ! You are always so thoughtful and generous in your gift giving. I had such a good time on Christmas Day. It was a fun time all together, wasn’t it? I also thought our dinner at Olive Garden was lots of fun. The Lord has given us something very special in our family. A close, loving and fun relationship is a great blessing and brings me so much joy....God bless you sweetie Love, Mom '''3''' Hi Ben, And hope you like the rabbits. I was looking for cards, and was very happy to find them. All my best to you, Ben. You are a very good fellow to think of, when I do in a day. I know you will feel a very nice Christmas, there in Oregon, close to you. Love from your Uncle Clive ==== Thank Yous ==== Wow, Ben! I’m really impressed with your accomplishments! You have read widely, related a new (? ) of strands of religious thought and expressed your thoughts and feelings visually as well as through poetry and essays you have shared personally and through the Internet. I am glad your generous heart and intelligent accomplishments are now recognized. I applaud you! Love, Great Aunt Ruth = Chapter 4 = '''Depression, Stress, and Schizophrenia''' by Ben Huot == 4.1 Causes of Depression == === 4.1.1 Schizophrenia === One of the things that a person diagnosed with Schizophrenia has to deal with, that most people do not think as related to the disease, is depression. It is not known whether or not the depression comes from the medication, as a side affect, or that it is just part of the illness, because they don’t want to have people not take medicine, just so they can prove this, as it is so important to take your medicine, if you have Schizophrenia. Depression is not the most major symptom, but it is important to deal with. === 4.1.2 Determining the Cause === Depression has different causes: one is chemical, which requires anti-depressant medications and some are environmental and behavioral. You have to find what is triggering the depression, to find out the effective method, of reducing or eliminating it. People with Schizophrenia can also get depression, because of their common lifestyle, as they are often very poor (due to the fact hat they have to live mostly off Social Security SSI, because they usually cannot work full time), isolated by their paranoia (which often causes them to avoid others), and they have difficulty in forming and keeping relationships with others. === 4.1.3 Stress === In dealing with depression that is caused by your situation, stress can also cause depression, as well. People often think that they will be less depressed, if they get something important accomplished, but this is not necessarily true. If you do not get enough rest and work too often, this can cause depression as well. I have to be careful not to work around the clock and give myself time off, especially in the evenings, in order to avoid being severely depressed. Watching certain shows and reading certain topics can cause depression as well (just like they can also cause paranoia). === 4.1.4 Keeping Balance === Stress is very detrimental, to someone with Schizophrenia, and can increase symptoms dramatically. One of the biggest reasons why it is hard for someone with Schizophrenia to keep a job, is that there symptoms get much worse, as their stress increases. One of the big things that is important for anyone’s health and something someone with Schizophrenia deals with even more than others is keeping balance in life. == 4.2 Solving Thinking Problems == === 4.2.1 Accepting Your Limitations === One of the hardest things to deal with, in having Schizophrenia, is accepting your limitations. You need to accept that you cannot live the way you did, before you became mentally ill. You also need to tell others, who you spend time around, that you are mentally ill and how you get stressed out much more easily than the average person and what stresses you out. Telling other people about your illness, from my experience, has always improved my interaction with others. Even though whenever someone hears about Schizophrenia on the news, it is almost always describing someone, who has committed a violent crime, people don’t treat you like a sociopath, when they hear about your illness. They know very little about it, but don’t seem to have a hard time accepting it, or fear you, after you tell them. It is not fair to expect the same out of a person, who is disabled, as a person, who doesn’t suffer from the same disability. Just as a person, who is missing legs, is not expected to walk or a developmentally disabled person is not expected to be really smart, so a person with Schizophrenia should not be expected to be able to live a normal life. Even living on your own and just keeping your house clean and getting the food you need means that you are excelling. Remember, the Bible never says that we have to run a marathon, write a novel, travel around the world, or run for political office. Being a good person is expressed, in the way we treat others, in our daily interactions, and not in some epic struggle, that people write poems about. Another thing that is hard to accept about Schizophrenia, at least for me, is that I seem to have to go through periods of time, where things are much more difficult for me. It is important to be patient with yourself, during these times and not expect to get over it quickly, or find a silver bullet, that will resolve all your problems. Having Schizophrenia is a very difficult situation, to deal with, and there are no simple or obvious answers. One of the big problems I have is that I crave being around people, but, at the same time, get very annoyed by how rude people are and have a lot of anxiety about meeting new people, even though they almost always like me. Another problem many people with Schizophrenia struggle with is that they have to deal with difficult people, who are often abusive (which includes many people who work with the mentally ill for a living). These experiences are so hurtful, that the person with Schizophrenia, thinks long and hard how to avoid these situations and spending this amount of energy worrying about the future is not healthy. One of the big reasons why we suffer as humans much more than animals is that we over think things. We spend too much time trying to avoid or solve problems, that we could deal with much better, if we just accepted them, as a natural part of life. Often times things are easier to deal with, when you don’t think about them so much. Another reason why this is harder for someone with Schizophrenia is because they are generally not busy most of the time, as they cannot usually hold down a full time job, so they have too much time to think. === 4.2.2 Self Reflection === One of my biggest problems, due to my personality, is also made worse by my having Schizophrenia. This problem is over thinking things. I self reflect much more than is helpful. While it can be useful to be able to analyze and improve upon your past situations, that were stressful to you, you can also cause yourself unnecessary stress doing so. Anticipation of future pain increases your amount of pain. If you knew you were going to have a very painful situation or injury to deal with in the future, would knowing this beforehand make dealing with this easier or harder? One of the most common causes of death, in the case of serious injury, is shock and not the injury itself. One of the ways animals can deal with difficult situations that people cannot overcome is because they don’t think a lot about things, before or after they happen. They live in the moment. Much of the things we deal with are actually made worse, by our trying to avoid them, especially when they are inevitable and/or a natural part of life (like death). One of the best ways, to not reflect on your situation, is to focus on helping someone else, who is in a worse condition. Volunteer work can give you a sense of purpose and a sense of belonging, that can make it easier, for you to deal with your losses and your frustrations. This can also be a place to network with other people ,who have similar interests, or to meet contacts, that can help you find a more satisfying career. Just giving thanks to God, for the things you have, is very effective, in treating depression. When you are frustrated, without having something you thought you were owed or had earned, and then had it taken away, you can accept this better, if you just think about how you have a roof over your head, or that you have enough food to eat. Just enjoy the feeling of being full, or being at a comfortable temperature can help you relieve stress. === 4.2.3 Compartmentalization === My worldview is very holistic and most people would be well advised, to consider seeing the world this way. But, this is not always healthy, when taken to extremes. While it is great to see how things like philosophy, literature, religion, culture, politics, economics, the environment, weather, history, and art are related, to broaden your view of the world, it can also allow you to jump to some very unhealthy conclusions. Always seeing yourself stacked up against the major world problems can get discouraging very easily. While most people need to learn more about the world, it is not always helpful to dwell on these huge issues, that affect us on a global scale. As much as we may not agree with the way the world is going, even if we can come to a conclusion as to how to solve the problems, we have no power to implement them. Even the US President has very little power to change things and his role in politics is very limited. We need to be aware of what things are like in a big picture way, in the course of our learning, but intellectual pursuits can not be our only way of finding meaning and direction in life. As much as we get frustrated by the bad decisions of our leaders and our ancestors, we are not personally responsible for the choices they made. It is not our fault that the world is the way it is and it is not our purpose in life to resolve these issues. We need to reject the idea that Americans are responsible for what our leaders gave done. The only way to approach making the world better is to narrow our focus and limit ourselves, to an area we can affect and are good at. One person cannot turn the tide of history. God is in complete control of our future and He does not want us to mentally suffer, because of other people’s bad decisions. The best way to fight against what is wrong is in how we treat others and by keeping ourselves healthy and in good shape, so that we can help others, in small ways, for more years. What God wants us to do are things that are within our ability and in our reach. We all play minor roles and we need to look to God to put them together into an world changing epic story. == 4.3 Work Issues == === 4.3.1 Keeping Busy === One of the paradoxes about living with Schizophrenia vs. the average person is that, while most people are constantly busy and fighting for more time, for themselves and their families, a person with Schizophrenia often does not work for a living and so struggles to find enough things, to fill up their day. There are different strategies in filling up your time, when you don’t spend most your day working. One of these solutions is to find a part time job (if your disability pay allows for that), or to do as I have done and find a hobby, that takes the same role, as a career. One of the downsides to this is when you do work for yourself, your work never ends, and you don;t have a boss, who tells you to go home and get some rest. And if you do your work hobby out of your home, you very rarely get away from it. Another way to take up time is to spend much of your day gaining new experiences or meeting new people and spending time with people you like. This approach is difficult, because a common way to meet other people is to join a club or another activity, but usually they require you to do some activity, which requires you to do something, that might be stressful. These clubs usually meet on a regular basis, so stress can from anticipation of future meetings ending badly and also by the stress involved, with getting to a certain place, by a certain time. Ultimately life is more than a series of task to complete, so it is important for a person to realize, that life is about experiences and who you are and cannot be completely fulfilling, if you feel the need, to plan out your entire life. It is important for a person with Schizophrenia, to get plenty of sleep and time to relax. As there is not a job to look forward to doing each day, it is important for them to find a hobby they look forward to doing. === 4.3.2 New Skills and Major Changes === Learning new skills or making major changes are some of the more stressful things, for someone with Schizophrenia. Any sudden changes in lifestyle, like going back to school, even just auditing and only one class at a time or things like committing to a club, or volunteer job are very stressful. I also find it very hard, when I have to be, at a certain place, at a certain time. Trying to learn a whole new skill, even things like drawing or leather working, causes a lot of stress. When I have tried to make a major change, in what I do with my time, in a way that caused me to have to give up writing or my website, I became very depressed. I think any kind of sudden change is bad, for someone with Schizophrenia. When you do need to make a change, the best way would be to do so in small steps. I am presently trying to get myself to the point, where I can take classes, at the local community college. To get there, I am starting on going to the local YMCA and just paying each day, so that there is a little commitment. On the other hand, I have been able to do much more, than I could, when I first had Schizophrenia. I now can watch a movie, all the way through, across town, at the movie theatre. I am now able to go to Portland by car. I can do my laundry myself and remember to take my medicine on my own. I wasn’t able to do any of these things at first, so my theory definitely works. This anxiety about doing new things ties into my understanding of Schizophrenia being, in some ways, like a very extreme form of anxiety disorder. Many people with Schizophrenia have trouble being around other people and often have different kinds of obsessive compulsive disorders. And the idea of gradually increasing your exposure, to what stresses you out, which works in treat anxiety disorders, can also be used with Schizophrenia, by desensitizing you, to what you fear. == 4.4 Dealing with Others == === 4.4.1 Get Out Daily === Another way to deal with depression is to increase your interactions with other people and get outside more. Even going for a walk or just being around other people, in a restaurant or other public setting can improve your mood dramatically. Exercise also helps counter symptoms of depression. Even though exercise may be strenuous, at the time of the activity, it will make you happier the rest of the day. The medication that deals with Schizophrenia make it more difficult to get out, because of the tiredness, caused by side effects of the medication. But you will have a hard time sleeping and be in mental pain, if you don’t push yourself to get out. Even with the trouble I have dealing with obnoxious people, getting out always improves my mood. === 4.4.2 Over Stimulation === One of the big differences between a person without a mental illness and one with one is that, when you get depression or psychotic symptoms, you cannot be convinced rationally, that you have no reason to be depressed or paranoid, even though nothing has changed since, before you were suffering and, when you get over it, nothing has changed, either. When dealing with these irrational thoughts, you can often overcome them, with a combination of medicine and lifestyle adjustments. While you cannot change the way you respond to situations be reasoning, you can void the things, that trigger your troubling thoughts, or increase your resistance, to the triggers. I can easily get overstimulated, by visiting, even with my family, for too long. I often have the TV on, in the background, especially when I sleep, so as to keep my mind distracted from paranoia, but I often have to shut it off, while reading or writing. Overstimulation can cause stress, which can lead to paranoia or depression. It is the opposite problem of not getting out often enough. One of the ways to avoid being over stimulated is to limit the amount of time you spend in stressful situations. A useful approach to dealing with both over stimulation and depression, from not being around people enough, is to take be out with people, in a number of short lengths of time. You can also deal with this by limiting the number of people you are interacting with. Another way to deal with it is to get yourself used to more stimulation, by gradually increasing the amount of time doing these kinds of activities. I also have been able to expand my ability to be more stimulated, for a longer time. One of these areas is in movies. I used to not be able to sit through an entire movie, even watching on my TV, at home. I now can go out to the theatre across town, wait for an hour, and watch an entire movie. I used to find many things overstimulating, like listening to music, as I want to hear all the lyrics and think about them. This strategy of getting yourself used to more interactions is useful in dealing with Schizophrenia, because a lot of symptoms of Schizophrenia are similar to anxiety disorders and obsessive compulsive disorders, but of an increased magnitude. One way to deal with anxiety disorders is to gradually expose yourself, to more stressful situations, like being out in public, for longer and longer periods of time, which is also a common strategy for dealing with obsessive compulsive disorders. One of the ways to deal with obsessive thoughts or compulsive behaviors is to expose yourself to what triggers it, for longer and longer periods of time. Eventually, you get desensitized to it and are then able to refrain from doing the compulsive activity or even thinking about the obsessive thoughts. Another way to deal with over stimulation, after the fact, or when you cannot avoid it (like having to take medicine, for a long period of time, with unusual restraints, on what you can and when you can eat, or by having to go to doctor’s appointments) is do things that release stress, like mild exercise and getting enough sleep. If you feel totally hopeless or stressed out and nothing can help, even though you are on appropriate and sufficient medicine, is to get to sleep and, if necessary, take a PRN, that can help you do so. Also, exercising can help get you tired and that will help you sleep, as well. === 4.4.3 Social Challenges === One of the paradoxes of Schizophrenia is that although counseling and cognitive treatments are not effective in combating the paranoia, delusions, and hearing voices, they can be effective in treating symptoms still present, while on appropriate levels of medication, that are effective. Another thing that people do not realize about Schizophrenia is that there is a whole range of symptoms, that are more disabling, in the context of interacting, with other people. Another factor that can cause or increase depression in someone with Schizophrenia is the paranoid and delusional perception of how others are relating to you. One way to avoid or lower your stress in these situations is to be able to talk, to someone you trust later and challenge your perceptions. Many times I feel someone has hostile feelings toward me and later my mom explains, that what I perceived was not accurate. Other symptoms that make it hard to relate with others is that it is hard to find an activity in which I find joy in doing and that I often believe that other people can hear my thoughts. I also speak very fast, as my mind works very fast (it also did before I became mentally ill, but it has increased since then), so that other people have a hard time keeping up with me. I also have difficulty in speaking, because I do not move my lips, do to my worrying that people will read my lips, when I talk to myself. Another consequence of Schizophrenia is that is is easy, for me, to see the negative side of things and this makes it hard to relate with others too. One of the ways of helping avoid or lessen depression involves being positive and optimistic. My mind naturally goes to the worst case scenario, for every activity and I often make doing simple things unbearably complex and challenging, because of this perception of reality. == 4.5 Rest and Recovery == === 4.5.1 Getting Enough Sleep === One of the things that is very difficult keeping regular in their life, for someone with Schizophrenia, are sleep schedules. Keeping a set sleep schedule affects many things in life: it makes it easier to get your medication at the right time; it helps you keep to a schedule, keep disciplined and balanced, in how you spend your time; and it keeps your internal clock working more normally, which can make your life much more healthy. Most people with Schizophrenia have trouble sleeping and the medicine often makes you so tired, that you never feel rested, no matter how much sleep you get. Not getting enough sleep is a sure way to get severely depressed. One of the best things to do, if you are getting very depressed and nothing seems to help, is to sleep. You can get a PRN (as needed) medications, that can help you sleep, and exercise can make you tired as well, when you need to get more sleep. === 4.5.2 Relaxation === One of the really difficult things to deal with, when you do not have a job, is that you have too much time on your hand. In the past, my strategy was to do work constantly, so that keeping busy would help me not be aware of my paranoia, but when I cut back, as I no longer was able to keep working, at that level, I experienced severe depression, on a level that I have never experienced before. And the level of depression I am fighting now is much more painful, than suffering from severe paranoia. It hurts so much, that I have to find a way to get rid of it soon. One of the really important ways to deal with stress is to make time for taking part in doing things that you enjoy. Part of fighting depression is finding things to do when you are down. When you have something to look forward to, you can feel more upbeat and positive. A good way to relax is to find a hobby, that does not require a lot of emotional energy and helps pass the time, without being accompanied by stress. Some of the really difficult things to deal with, for me, in finding hobbies and things to do, with other people, is that I do not have a car and I do not do well in the evenings. I also ride the bus, so it is hard to get transportation in the evenings and on the weekends. I also do not want to take on any more responsibilities, that often accompany joining a club. I also get stressed out, if I make a commitment to a particular activity and get a lot of paranoia and depression, after signing up for a class or financially committing to a gym. The combination of all these factors complicates my search for relaxing and enjoyable activities for many years. In finding a new hobby, I have decided to pursue arts and crafts, as I enjoyed doing them as a kid. I also enjoyed exercising, when I was in high school, so I am starting that as well. I also enjoy meeting people, so I have found some less intense books I can read while at a cafe, so that I can have more time around other people. Finally, I have decided to try going to start watching plays, as I can now watch full movies and get inspired by these kinds of activities. === 4.5.3 Contact with Animals === Another good way to deal with depression and lower stress is to have contact with animals. Just petting animals can lower your blood pressure. Animals are a lot of work, but there is no substitute for a furry animal that loves you no matter what. Animals are: completely genuine, are totally honest with you, and love you, no matter what you accomplish, how much money you make, how good looking you are, or what your social status is. All an animal wants from you is: to be kind for it, feed it, and give it enough room. Dogs particularly will spend all their days waiting for you and they adapt to almost any kind of situation, as long as you are there.